losing perspective

My dearest,

Lately I’ve seen news that no matter how I tried just can’t understand why such things happened. No matter how those people tried to explain to me, it just not makes any sense to me.

An 11 y.o. boy committed suicide, the day when he realized that both of his parents were lying about their plan to buy him a bicycle. This young boy climbed a very high tower in the city and TV crew catches a moment before he really jumped. People thought that this kid was just kidding, you know, like any other kids around the world. And without any sign whatsoever, he made the jump.

He became the headlines, any single bicycle wouldn’t make him to comeback again.

Not so long after that, I watched another news. This time, he’s older, 13 y.o. He committed suicide by hang his self, simply because he just had a haircut and the haircut went wrong. He wrote a letter, contain a very polite apologize to both of his parents for making this decision, a sincere confess he made that even though he love his parents and family so much, he simply can’t face another embarrassment anymore. He wrote that this might the best way for everyone, that he must die.

He’s the headline then, and I will never forget the little simple notes he left for his parents, just right before he hung himself.

My mother said, “Those little kids, making decisions for their life, they shouldn’t allow doing that. Big stupid decisions to just end their life like that. So ridiculous…” And she followed the news everyday; get me to the point, that her reaction was a mother’s reaction. Any mother’s reaction, that’s understandable.

I my self can’t get these stories out of my mind. Every kid in the world wants something and every kid in the world doesn’t always get what they wanted too, anyhow. This supposed to be a story of a kid disappointed and then continue to live again somehow. You know, just deal with it. Angry to parents, runaway from home and stay at friends for a week, make our little sister or brother cries just to even the pain to our parents, maybe.

But to took their own life? Even the best Psychologist in the whole world won’t relate to the pain that caused this decision made. And when I saw a few moments in a close up shot, when the 11 y.o. boy stand up to make the jump, I realized he suffered a lot of pain, that may has begin since nobody knows. How did I know? Because he was smiling. A second before he jumped, he smiled, like knowing that this will end soon, and that’s what he really wanted.

People talk a lot about these events and one opinion that came from a well-known Indonesian Children Psychologist took my attention for a while. He said that we shouldn’t look at these events by seeing what we can see know, by just seeing what seems for now. For example, our global understanding is the boy committed suicide because his parents didn’t buy him a bicycle. Or with the other boy, even for more ridiculous reason, because of his haircut went wrong.

The fact is, he continued, the bicycle boy were always mocked by his friends at school, and growing in a total abandoned from his alcoholic father and a sex-worker mother. Meanwhile, the haircut boy live in a very poor family, that no matter how hard his father (a farmer) works, or his mother works, this family won’t survive well. The haircut boy hasn’t pay his school fee for months and became the object among other students at school for his poor. Both situations have been going on for years, at least 5 years before they committed suicide, he said.

That explained a lot more than I ever can get. That what happened were not just what happened, stories happened along the way before those stories we knew–really happened. That what happened was accumulations from what happened before. That this boys, wasn’t speak for only bicycle and haircut. There’s more.

I knew it. There’s always more. There’s always more to it.
There’s always something behind (just) what we see.

I my self, is in this phase now. Where every little thing becomes so much matter than any other ‘real thing’ that might deserve more attention. Where no matter how people say, I just can’t hear. No matter how the signs walk by and passed me by, I just don’t see. I lost my ability to see, to hear, to -even- feel. My logic somehow rest my heart for a bit, knowing that I’m in a place that nobody can see me or meet me, –that way–nobody can hurt me (at least, for now).

In my case, the trigger came from someone I’ve been in love with. One day I found out that he’s been lying (again) to me. This has happened for several times, at least three times that I (want to) remember. And the object has been always the same (woman). At one to three, I thought everybody deserve a second chance. And now I simply think, his kindness and charming heart to people made him abandoned my feelings, forget about what I feel and simply no longer notice me beside him. Well, at least, that’s how I feel.

So when we’re talk about it, I hear my self saying a lot of things that happened since we met (about 7 months ago). Things I always wanted to say, to complain, things I have been hiding from him. Things that he didn’t know was always been a matter to me. Things that made him feel like I want him to be Perfection now. Things that I just realize now, should never been hide from him, for whatever reason.

Things that after I said them to him, made me realize just how much I loved him. That much so I hide all of them from him, that now–no matter what I said, he stand still in what he believe: us. Those little events before that day when I caught him lying again to me, has accumulated into a big anger that lost somehow inside my heart. For those seems resolved already–for him, but the truth they never once resolved, for me. Having my days and walks them with this unbelievable pain (that I never know I can suffer such things) made me loose Perspective. Perspective to him, to us, to world, to people, and the worst, to my self.

As I walked down the street everyday now, I wonder how can start to recollect the pieces of my self again, that has been divided for so many and spread all over places, abandoned. Am not trying to take control of my own life, or anybody’s life for that matter. No matter just how much Capricorn people tend to do that naturally, I just not interested to this control something that far.

And now that I find my self thinks about these young boys, I finally can relate my self to their pain, their questions that never answered, their problems that seems too little for this big world that never had any single chance to be heard, to be taken care of.

So at what point I can be convinced/sure once again? I don’t know. This pain is just…. I don’t even know how to cry anymore, how to feel when someone walks into me and ask my name gently, I just… don’t know.

Well, I do still hope that whatever best will happen to me, it should happen. But if someone asked what do I really want? I still don’t know. I do know one thing that I don’t want though, that with the man I love, I don’t want to be hurt anymore (especially for the same reason–over and over again). That if yesterday the argument was about the ex-gf, tomorrow (if we have to) we should argue about things that bigger than that, to prove that we moved on. Even in my job, why would I want to face the same problem everyday?

That this condition, when everything seems either too much or nothing at all, isn’t worth for whatever reasons. That losing perspective somehow just hurting you more and more. And it has to end, hopefully would feel like the warm of the arms that used to hold me–when it end. And I’ll know I’ll be just fine.

Because people bad when they are bad. No matter what circumstances, bad people will just turn into one, just a matter of time. And I just want to be who I used to be, someone that believe in my self, trust in my self and have respect with my self. Others wouldn’t really matter anymore.

I deserve what I always deserve.
It’s only a matter of time, like always.

Night, my dear child.
Kiss your forehead.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 10:52pm

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Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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