Monthly Archives: February 2010

all the good men

After a long walk one night, as I poured my self wine, I had fun singing and dancing in the middle of the night. I remember it was a very full day, I had to meet a lot of people and talk to them, pretend if everything is okay with me. So that night I had a blast, by my self. By getting crazy, by my self.

I was gone to sleep at 4 am, and just realized that I’m not feeling tired at all. As I laid my body on my bed, I keep thinking of how mixed-off all the feelings that I have inside of me. It was surreal.

And that’s my baby, when I opened my eyes for several times, and saw faces I never saw before. They’re nice, kind and loving people. They came one by one for a while and go again, leaving me. Everytime, everyone of them touched my hair, my face and looked at me in the eye, didn’t say a word. I could feel their warmth, gentleness, their kindness, their love that I never know how come they have so much for me. But still they came for several seconds, and gone again.

I recognized some faces, when it’s about the 15th person that ‘visited’ me that night. It was my grandpa, your great-grandpa, whom I still learn about who he is. He looked so bright, but almost cry. I looked at him wonder about his tears, and he hold me tight. As tight as anybody would hold me, as tight as a goodbye. And all of my defenses broken in seconds. Knowing I’m in his arms, and should let him go again, I beg for mercy, please don’t leave me.

He kept holding me, I barely can see his face again, and I saw my other grandpa (from my mom) came near to me. I lost feels of my body, my hands are cold, my face frozen, I hardly can breathe. I closed my eyes, whispering: please, take me with you. It’s the best time now. Please let me go with you. Then my other grandpa hold my hands, wiping my tears, touched my hair and helped me to stand up. They took several steps away from me and look at m from a distance. Then both says firmly to my swollen eyes, “…Way to go, Princess…”. I run to them again and they hold me, again. With my tears keep falling down they are still there, with me.

And then I woke up, find my eyes swollen and my body cold, as I continue to cry and get tired, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling dizzy and angry to not be at the other side where both of your great grandpas be. I was weak, have a fever in second. Yup, high ones. Just when I thought I know my body, God took control and calmed me down. Asked me to save my words (because I lost my voice for 2 days too). If He can talk, He must’ve said, “Try to get a good sleep, then I’ll let you speak again…” ha ha.

I’m still recovering, trying to not get intimidated by those visitors or the routine of daily life. I dunno where I put my daily basis on now. And hoping to meet them again, to meet your great-grandpas. Because now I know, where are all the good men are gone.

Be brave, be strong, sweetheart, for no one may able to define your self, but you.

Love you.
Mom

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Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

blame it on the weatherman

It’s just one more day
No one said
There would be rain again
Won’t blame it on myself
I’ll blame it on the weatherman
Get away for a while
Here I am out on my own again
Won’t blame it on myself
I’ll blame it on the weatherman

Standing on the shore
Calling out your name
I was here before
I could see your face
Only clouds will see
Tears are in my eyes
Empty like my heart
Why do ya say goodbye

The rain goes on (on and on again)(repeat x2)

Alone I can hear
Hear our song
Playing for me again
Won’t blame it on myself
Just blame it on the weatherman

Standing on the shore
Calling out your name
I was here before
I could see your face
Only clouds will see
Tears are in my eyes
Empty like my heart
Why do ya say goodbye

The rain goes on (on and on again)(repeat x2)

Maybe it’s too late
Maybe it’s too late to try again
Maybe I can’t pray
Maybe I can’t wait
Maybe I can’t blame the weatherman

The rain goes on (on and on again)(repeat x2)

Oh blame it on the weatherman

Written by Hedges, Brannigan Ackerman, Caine
Produced by Ray “Madman” Hedges in his mothership
Arranged by Ray “Madman” Hedges and Martin Brannigan
Published by Sugar Free Music/Bucks Music Ltd.
– 19 Music Ltd/BMG Music Pub Ltd. – Polygram Music Pub Ltd.
– Chrysalis Music Ltd. – Andy Caine/Palan Music Pub Ltd.
⌦�n㬴1998 Sony Music Entertainment (UK) Ltd.

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I know him by heart

There’s a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I’ve kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
‘Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

‘Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve never been apart
No we’ve never met
Haven’t found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can’t see
If I compromise, I’d be living lies
Pretending love’s not meant to be
‘Cause I know my heart’s worth saving
And I know that he’ll be waiting
So I’ll hold on and I’ll stay strong ’till then

‘Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve never been apart

No we’ve never met
Haven’t found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we’ve never met
Haven’t found him yet
But I know him by heart

Categories: music and song | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

transformation of your mother’s hair

My dearest child,

Your grandma told me that my hair always troubled her, since I was a kid. She said that it’s really curly, which is okay and actually kinda cute, but she had hard times when it times to brush my hair, cos it got wrinkle and I always screaming of pain and all. So she decided to let my hair grow several centimeters and cut them short again, so my hair couldn’t caused scream tragedy in every early morning before school. Well, at least that’s what she believed will happen.

As a teenage girl, the tragedy still continues so I grew up feeling sorry for the shape of my hair, the black-curly-hair. I grew them long down and cover them with scarf so people won’t bother of how messy my hair was. And I started to fill my brain with a little bit of knowledge, because I know I can’t trust my hair appearance to have comfortable interactions with people, somehow afraid they might not like my hair and don’t want to talk to me. Luckily, your grandpa very happy to know that I grew my hair long and long, for he loves my hair so much, especially when it’s a long hair. And your grandma, still hates my hair.

When I was in high school, I started to have friends who have wonderful hair who knows how to take care them too as well. So I started to bonding my hair. It was 2 hours full of sorrow to wait and I was happy, for once, I saw my hair straight and neat, and I can brush them easily, without having to scream.

Until last year, I had bonding my hair for 3 times and smoothing for about 5 times. Each times are precious times for your grandma and ‘hide-and-seek’ time with your grandpa. The last time I smoothed my hair was last year, and I found some grey hair, protested my decision. So I let it grow longer again and see my original black-not-so-curly-anymore-hair for the first time.

I always wanted to live with my original hair shape, no smoothing or coloring, just as it is, because actually I love my own hair, I just don’t know how to take care of them well. Beside, your grandma’s more concern about my face while your grandpa always focusing me to take care for my brain needs.

With a help from my roomate Andhika and a wonderful stylist Irwan at the salon, know exactly what I want, I went to cut my hair and decided to live with my original shape of hair, the black-not-so curly-anymore-hair. I was really afraid of how it will look like in the end, and keep whispering, God, I’m a warrior surrender my hair to you by the hand of this nice stylist and the company of my roomate. I never asked anything for appearance matters, so please, let me have my old hair well starting today.

And there it is, as you can see, my black (now a little bit Red-colored)-not-so-curly-anymore-hair, now in a short cut, showing my chubby cheeks (eh, what can you do about them? :P) and my short neck. I felt relieved and so much blessed for the courage I have today, and yeah, it feels so much better, like thousands kilos of stones has been released from your shoulder. And it was worthed, because somehow, I feel like I know my own hair better.

So my child, yes, I’m going to hide from your grandpa for a couple months now to avoid his disappoinment with my new hair cut, and really can’t wait to show this to your grandmother.

I’m just sorry, that this nice short hair cut happened when I don’t have my love beside me. I don’t know how or why, am just feeling a little bit sad about that. This is a new thing for me, it takes more than courage to do that and I did. But nobody’s there for me to hug and share this moment. Ck, ah. That’s his loss, I guess. Because hey, it’s not just about hair, it’s everything you need to know about someone’s feeling at the time. Everything you need to know from someone you care about: hair.

Ha ha, it’s time to sleep honey. Kiss you goodnight, hundred times. Love you.

Mom

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

this I promised you – ode to my Fa

My Child, long time ago I had a crush with someone. But never really make a move to get near him, and he was more like a ‘secret admirer from a distance, cold turkey from a close distance’. It started years ago, and along my journey, I never stop wondering about him, where he is, what is he doing, if he ever knows about me. Weeks ago, we met in a beautifully weird way. But we managed to meet and in love in seconds. And he told me, that he felt the same way about me, since years ago.

He surprised me. He showed up and surprised me. And then he took my hand and take me around, showing me how wonderful life is with my smile. He taught me to listen to my self and fight for what I want, fight for my life. He stood in front of me when I say silly things and confront me anytime I get lazy and spoil.

He listened carefully to what I have to tell, sooth my tears with kisses, hold my fears and cover them with a warm blanket, hold me tight ‘til the morning comes, wakes me up with gentle kisses and a bright smile to my eyes.

Somehow I knew, he’s actually hurting inside, trapped inside an endless anger with his past. Someone inside him screaming and long to revenge. The world seemed too small for his journey. But in a way, for some short seconds, he long to be home. When he feel insecure, he would lay his head in my arms and tell me that he’s afraid to loose me. And when I feel insecure, he would look at me in the eye and hold me tight, so tight so I couldn’t breath, overwhelmed by his love.

Lately he showed me his scars. He showed me his wounds. He showed me pain he’s been carrying all this time. He told me that time and space hasn’t been a good friend of him. That everytime he falls in love, he keeps losing it in a second, then deal with the wounds alone. Silently, he mastered his own pain.

Then we met, and love has never been that kind for both of us. We made love, having an argue, laughing and we made love again. We lost track of time, and we know, we’re in a strange, but beautiful place.

Suddenly, in a calm surrender between soft rains that night, he stood up and say goodbye. Said that he couldn’t hurt me anymore, that he doesn’t deserves me. That I’m too perfect for him. That even with all of his contradictive, I still love him, and it kills him. So he stood in front of me, kissed my forehead and said goodbye, because he needs to do this journey by him self.

I tried my best to let him know that whatever worst can happen, would be easier if we walk on it together. But he stayed still with his will. It hurts me to see his way of hurting him self. And when I ask why, he said because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has to do this because he wants to deserves me.

It was a long night, my Child. Filled with honest words and soft whispers, comes from two souls that has been hurting, two souls long to be cured. We talked, cried and embraced each other. Because somehow in a sense, each know that maybe that is the best for now, for us. Every second that passed, we feel pain, because we knew we’re not together anymore. We hold each other tight, and between tears, we know that this is something that we have to do.

So my Child, in case you will visit his dream someday, please let him know, that is isn’t goodbye. I’m not giving up yet, on him, on us. Please let him know that I’m proud of him, of the decision he made and wish him best for his journey. So that I won’t leave him, as he promised to speed up and come home to me first when the journey’s done. And I will wait, proudly. Because I know, I deserve him to be my home.

“Promise me to be careful, hurry back and never forget that I love you. I will wait for you, my Fa”

Hey, you know this is my first time to make that promise. I’ve grown up, my dear Child, now I can make that promise. And yeah, he’s worth the wait. He always has.

Night, my dear Child. I love you.

Mom

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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