After a long walk one night, as I poured my self wine, I had fun singing and dancing in the middle of the night. I remember it was a very full day, I had to meet a lot of people and talk to them, pretend if everything is okay with me. So that night I had a blast, by my self. By getting crazy, by my self.
I was gone to sleep at 4 am, and just realized that I’m not feeling tired at all. As I laid my body on my bed, I keep thinking of how mixed-off all the feelings that I have inside of me. It was surreal.
And that’s my baby, when I opened my eyes for several times, and saw faces I never saw before. They’re nice, kind and loving people. They came one by one for a while and go again, leaving me. Everytime, everyone of them touched my hair, my face and looked at me in the eye, didn’t say a word. I could feel their warmth, gentleness, their kindness, their love that I never know how come they have so much for me. But still they came for several seconds, and gone again.
I recognized some faces, when it’s about the 15th person that ‘visited’ me that night. It was my grandpa, your great-grandpa, whom I still learn about who he is. He looked so bright, but almost cry. I looked at him wonder about his tears, and he hold me tight. As tight as anybody would hold me, as tight as a goodbye. And all of my defenses broken in seconds. Knowing I’m in his arms, and should let him go again, I beg for mercy, please don’t leave me.
He kept holding me, I barely can see his face again, and I saw my other grandpa (from my mom) came near to me. I lost feels of my body, my hands are cold, my face frozen, I hardly can breathe. I closed my eyes, whispering: please, take me with you. It’s the best time now. Please let me go with you. Then my other grandpa hold my hands, wiping my tears, touched my hair and helped me to stand up. They took several steps away from me and look at m from a distance. Then both says firmly to my swollen eyes, “…Way to go, Princess…”. I run to them again and they hold me, again. With my tears keep falling down they are still there, with me.
And then I woke up, find my eyes swollen and my body cold, as I continue to cry and get tired, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling dizzy and angry to not be at the other side where both of your great grandpas be. I was weak, have a fever in second. Yup, high ones. Just when I thought I know my body, God took control and calmed me down. Asked me to save my words (because I lost my voice for 2 days too). If He can talk, He must’ve said, “Try to get a good sleep, then I’ll let you speak again…” ha ha.
I’m still recovering, trying to not get intimidated by those visitors or the routine of daily life. I dunno where I put my daily basis on now. And hoping to meet them again, to meet your great-grandpas. Because now I know, where are all the good men are gone.
Be brave, be strong, sweetheart, for no one may able to define your self, but you.