this I promised you – ode to my Fa

My Child, long time ago I had a crush with someone. But never really make a move to get near him, and he was more like a ‘secret admirer from a distance, cold turkey from a close distance’. It started years ago, and along my journey, I never stop wondering about him, where he is, what is he doing, if he ever knows about me. Weeks ago, we met in a beautifully weird way. But we managed to meet and in love in seconds. And he told me, that he felt the same way about me, since years ago.

He surprised me. He showed up and surprised me. And then he took my hand and take me around, showing me how wonderful life is with my smile. He taught me to listen to my self and fight for what I want, fight for my life. He stood in front of me when I say silly things and confront me anytime I get lazy and spoil.

He listened carefully to what I have to tell, sooth my tears with kisses, hold my fears and cover them with a warm blanket, hold me tight ‘til the morning comes, wakes me up with gentle kisses and a bright smile to my eyes.

Somehow I knew, he’s actually hurting inside, trapped inside an endless anger with his past. Someone inside him screaming and long to revenge. The world seemed too small for his journey. But in a way, for some short seconds, he long to be home. When he feel insecure, he would lay his head in my arms and tell me that he’s afraid to loose me. And when I feel insecure, he would look at me in the eye and hold me tight, so tight so I couldn’t breath, overwhelmed by his love.

Lately he showed me his scars. He showed me his wounds. He showed me pain he’s been carrying all this time. He told me that time and space hasn’t been a good friend of him. That everytime he falls in love, he keeps losing it in a second, then deal with the wounds alone. Silently, he mastered his own pain.

Then we met, and love has never been that kind for both of us. We made love, having an argue, laughing and we made love again. We lost track of time, and we know, we’re in a strange, but beautiful place.

Suddenly, in a calm surrender between soft rains that night, he stood up and say goodbye. Said that he couldn’t hurt me anymore, that he doesn’t deserves me. That I’m too perfect for him. That even with all of his contradictive, I still love him, and it kills him. So he stood in front of me, kissed my forehead and said goodbye, because he needs to do this journey by him self.

I tried my best to let him know that whatever worst can happen, would be easier if we walk on it together. But he stayed still with his will. It hurts me to see his way of hurting him self. And when I ask why, he said because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has to do this because he wants to deserves me.

It was a long night, my Child. Filled with honest words and soft whispers, comes from two souls that has been hurting, two souls long to be cured. We talked, cried and embraced each other. Because somehow in a sense, each know that maybe that is the best for now, for us. Every second that passed, we feel pain, because we knew we’re not together anymore. We hold each other tight, and between tears, we know that this is something that we have to do.

So my Child, in case you will visit his dream someday, please let him know, that is isn’t goodbye. I’m not giving up yet, on him, on us. Please let him know that I’m proud of him, of the decision he made and wish him best for his journey. So that I won’t leave him, as he promised to speed up and come home to me first when the journey’s done. And I will wait, proudly. Because I know, I deserve him to be my home.

“Promise me to be careful, hurry back and never forget that I love you. I will wait for you, my Fa”

Hey, you know this is my first time to make that promise. I’ve grown up, my dear Child, now I can make that promise. And yeah, he’s worth the wait. He always has.

Night, my dear Child. I love you.

Mom

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Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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