Monthly Archives: December 2010

Thankful for Gilmore Girls

Hola, Junkie!

Here’s the world you may enter once in your lifetime and should never regret of having a chance knowing each of marvelous way of life these mom-daughter has. Created by Amy-Sherman Palladino, Gilmore Girls stand for 7 (seven) seasons, closed the long journey with a simple traditional scene everyone lives out-of-town would love.

I love a lot of TV serials. Hell, I’m sleeping and wake up every day by the sound of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey. I mean, how can I, or anyone resist them? Struggling to settling down for life in a big crowded town, having your friends as your only family, ups and down in jobs and oh, romance life that seemed never really ends, that’s why I love them. And when someone gets so ‘drama’, I’ll say ‘I’m not good at giving advice, may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?’–just like Chandler always do. For those things people might not think I’d identified my self with them, I do. I always do.

Gilmore Girls are way more than that. In a tradition of having a wedlock (even as beautiful as a ‘Rory Gilmore’), seriously, here, there’s no such thing. But the way Lorelai raised Rory, among her dominant parents, a whole small town culture where one can be so talented (like miss Patty) and another can be so comical (like Kirk), coffee serve everyday inside a diner by someone wearing a hat backwards (like Luke)–and oh so handsome, a homey inn the city has, unbelievable unique events ever held, where love and hate blended in, Lorelai sure know how to enrich her little girl’s life experiences (no matter what Paris says about it).

In my 30 years of life, I met most of Gilmore Girls characters. I connected with them, share secrets, work together, spread ‘good morning’ even when I know I’ll have a bad day.

Dean. I met a Dean. My nice guy from my neighbourhood, long arms, tall, dark hair, eyes you can’t runaway from once they stared at you. A solid young guy for his age, and my ‘autism’ at the time fascinated him. My absence to what happened outside of me somehow amazed him and moved his feet to know me better. He made no fun of your intelligence, cover your weaknesses, the guard to your every troubled soul, introduced the world of who you are: his proud love, even when you thought you don’t deserve that kind of love. He was a golden boy, a perfect one for a picture of husband and father. With him, you can never fail, you always be the right thing he ever had for his life. Maybe that’s why, that even he is married now, he still hold on to you in a way.

'You don't want to fight me, Tristan. 'Cos I'll kill you, idiot! Stay away from her!' -- Dean

Jess. Another young guy from the neighbourhood who you always believe is a good guy, but somehow failed the society. In my life, my Jess has been in love with me since I was 11 and up ’til now. Maybe this one is crazier than Rory’s Jess, I don’t know. He raised in a good family, but felt neglected by his mother and so he acted like a rebel around society. From what it seems from outside, he never even deserve any of my attention, that’s what the society said. He made calls to share what he thoughts, even when we’re far apart. He showed his love in a simple gentle way by actions, well he’s not too good in words anyway. I can imagine World War III will declare as soon as he tried to get into my family. He’s not that guy any parents hoping their daughter will share life with. But there’s always this bubble, kind of magic bubble around him, when he gets near me. That in a second, he read what I read, listened to every songs I dance on all night, he pushed limitations I had and open his arms widely, ready to provide me a big wide shoulder to cry on. All we need is just the two of us, alone. And we can work the world out together. The way he look at you, you know that no matter what happens in your life later, you will always love him, unconditionally.

‘Rory, you never leave your school even once. Tell me, why you came to find me?’–Jess

Logan. I never forget the scene where Rory and Logan jumped off high places with only an umbrella. For me, Logan has always been that kind of guy. ‘Seize the day’ guy, whom for the right reasons will do every changes as needed. He’s the unknown spirit you always have, and he’s the one who discovered it. A bright, young, promising talent, you know however crazy the world will be, you’ll end up feeling happiness with him. He has this rare ability to find your hidden talents and always a perfect mate to stand with, in every kind of occassions. But when he kneel down and asked you to marry him, you know you just can’t. You know you have so many to offer to the world, as a lot can be still offered by the world for you too,  as he was the one to help you acknowledge that. For being the one who introduced you to the big-big world, you open your arms to any of his ‘hello’ anytime he needed you. Yeah, I’m glad I get to know a Logan in my life.

'We're gonna be great together, Ace..'--Logan

Chris. I met my Chris when I’m over 24. All you should do is just take a look at him, just one single look and you know, you got your self into a very big trouble. This is a no-perfect-man you don’t want to meet in your life, unless you’re ready. He is charming, your partner-in-in crime when you were too young to know everything. He laugh at your way of laughing your crazy and mess world, hold your tears in deeply and ride a big motorcycle, you promised your self won’t get on to because you know you won’t able to get your self off later. He has perfect hair, a good kisser, and more importantly, he knows your timing very well. You can never be misunderstood by him. Everything you have in your life unresolved, he fixed them. Simply, he is undeniable. He worked his butt off to be able to provide your needs, and when he does, he said he love you and willing to spend the rest of his life with you. As for those big gestures he showed, he sometimes can’t handle the big love he has  for you and forget a simple way to maintain it. He gets emotional, left and back again trying to prove you that you can rely on him, no matter what. But he never really there at the most time you needed him. When he finally said that he loved you-for real, you can hear yourself saying, ‘Oh my God, he’s going to leave me again’. As comfort as you can find laying your head on his shoulder, you know the timing for you and him always suck. Therefore, he has to move on. You have to move on.

'Oh, Christopher...'--Lorelai

Luke. I met this guy this year. A simple local guy, doing his routine and never able to speak on his feeling very well. He gets emotional for little things that bother him, because he never bother any other’s life. He lives in a solitude way, working in a diner once his father gave to him and live o the second floor, wondering if he has any chance for love. He’s a true man, in a way. The only reason why he can never get through love is that he has a comfort life already. Would take a strong ‘Luke’ to make it happen for real. People can be harsh on him in so many ways, but when one need a help, he will lend a hand in a second. His love language is ‘acts of service’–that’s why in my life, my Luke didn’t work so well because I knew him by internet. I’m grateful to know him by the way. I know when my internet is on, someone will stare at me and say ‘good morning, messy’.


Richard and Emily. Until I was 22, these figures were my real birth parents. The real Richard and Emily was amazed me everytime they delivered lines. Never once words came up and gone in second. They stuck in my brain for a while, knowing that everyone of us might have to deal with this kind of pairs in their lives. Come 4 years lately, these characters gone away from both of my birth parents. As for change, some of my friends turned into them. Those kinds I trusted my secrets to, those gals and pals I shared my tears with, showed my glittering eyes when I told them about my dreams in life. Like Richard and Emily, they used those informations to have a wide zone and say ‘I know you and you’re a mess’. As for that moment on, they decided what’s best for me, mostly just to show their power onto me and no solutions in whatsoever when I needed them. They took power on me and seize the chance to drive my life, write or talk about it, as if they’re ones who knows best. This last year, I left them for a while, and make up my life alone–no matter how messy it was. Still, some of them  came up. Last night, when I talked them I realized that we’re not on the same page anymore. It’s like they live in this ‘I know you and you’re a mess’ age, and I live in somewhere, thousand miles away from the wide zone they put me in captive, with new friends! Richard and Emily’s intentions are always good, and they’re parents. But my friends? I don’t know. I’m just glad I met them, share and learned about them, so now I can get this over with.

Richard and Emily Gilmore

I also met a Sookie once, but then I had to end it because apprently the one I met wasn’t Sookie enough. I often met Michel too, you know, around and about and clearly, not as close as Lorelai and Michel relationship. Until 2001, I met a Paris once, she is a mom with a daughter now. Yup, she is irresistible for her cute inability to let go sometimes. Always stucked me with her, because of her wickedly funny way of getting to her life goals (she even has a Life Coach!), driven and truly actually is a best friend.

I wish to meet a Lane someday. Maybe a Sookie too. I can imagine spend my days cooking Sookie’s recipees while dance through Lane’s CD choices. These two are super cool gals! 😀

‘I miss you, Rory…’–Lane
‘I’m not hurt, I’m okay. It was just a minor accident. I’m okay!…’–Sookie

I’m not in a big crowd anymore and I think I’m going to keep it that way.  Because this little group is more than enough. I promised to get back and hang out everytime the chance appears, as for them are nice friends to grow up with.

So I’m thankful for Gilmore Girls, for moments they presents in those 7 seasons I never get enough with. If I ever a Lorelai Gilmore, I’ll be thankful for a Rory and a life that appears once she was born. And since I’m not, I’m grateful for Gilmore Girls! Go crazy, Junkie! 😀

Thankful for Gilmore Girls, they made me feel good 😉

Categories: film, mess, people, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

models falls all the time, it’s what you do afterward that matters

For the most adorable eyes Raina has and challenging bones structure that fits every frame and artistic needs Krista has, Tyra and her judges made the right choice when they had to turn it down to 2 (two) finalist at the America’s Next Top Model Finale, cycle 14. Raina’s positive ways to see the world and consistency of working her way up from Krista is one and two thing I will never forget from this cycle.

More of the more, I also learned one simple thing from that (seemed to be) glamorous life, as a model. One of my favourite model in the cycle, beside Ren the tattoo girl, was Alexandra Underwood, a plus size model comes from Texas.

And here is why.

In one of the challenges, models have to do runway walk. They will appear at the top of the stairs, walk down the stairs (about 20/30 stairs down) and walk the straight runway, passes 2 (two) giant pendulums, and walk back to finish the runway. The real challenge was to pass the giant pendulums at the right time (right, it’s a ‘timing’ challenge), so they won’t get hit by those giant pendulums.

Alexandra, before any of her steps noticed by audiences downstairs, slipped down and fell while she was still have to walk 10 more stairs down. She got her self up-steady and continued the runway until the giant pendulums stage happened. It was a brave walk, with a strong face sketch (if you don’t want to say it ‘anger’) when she made it to the first pass of giant pendulums. But on her way back, her runway walk became memorable for everyone, because she was pushed by the last giant pendulum off the runway. She fell of the stage. She got her self back on the stage and finish her runway back.

"Models falls all the time, it's waht you do afterward that matters" Alexandra and her episode of 'dreckitude!' runway walk.

After the show, when Mrs. J evaluate everyone’s runway, there’s a good sentence mentioned, addressed to Alexandra. It says, ‘Models falls all the time. So, don’t worry, it’s what you do afterward that matters.’

When I made my self a fried-rice dinner this evening, I remember a friend, a dear friend that may need to hear this sentence. A friend that I know is a good person, with a quality of number 1 charmer, now lost somewhere in her journey.

We were friends in college. We made short movies together, helped seniors finished their last assignments (by making a movie too) together, helped talented directors made their very first short film, lent a hand to people who doesn’t know about film but dying to make one. We dealt with any kind of situations, finished our homeworks and screamed out loud afterward, then move on to another crazy projects.

When we both graduated, we walked on our own paths. A week ago, I met her after almost a year never met or hear anything from her. I never knew why, but she pulled her self away from me, and her other best friends, her other life that has “I want to be a director someday” in it. That night I’ve learned that things, bad things happened to her lately, all in one time. She lost her ‘partner in crime’–a (talented, she said) director that she wished to team up someday, lost her father (from long illness), resigned from a job (her first time as a Production Manager for feature film) where her boss caused her difficulties physically and morally, and many other bad things I never really know (because she never told me).

With a charming smile as usually, she told me that it’s depressing for her.  That somehow she decided to shut down her links to any kind of film productions and have her own way of happiness, spending time with her family. That’s why she never answered to any calls or SMS about works that I or AD (my roomate) sent to her. Well, there’s times she might have been said ‘Yes’ several times, but she never really did what she had spoken up.

Talking with AD (my roomate) several days ago, I told him that all I was thinking was she might need a job, so I (even though I don’t have one for my self yet, too) told her all the job infos and really put a lot of thoughts to get her out of her comfort home and work again. I mean, it’s been over a year for her, and I thought, she might need some works, you know, just like I do.

Apparently, she didn’t want to work, and still doesn’t want to go to work.

Man, this statement she told me waking me up from a long dream of having a partner in crime. That we know life doesn’t always treated us good, but we never give up. That, living in this city is never easy, but we work it out anyway. That no matter how sucks life in the day, we can always laugh or scream out loud at night. Let it out, and move on.

If there’s a fall, something stupid I never intended to happen to me–but it happened anyway, yeah, I have some this year. One big fall for sure, and I’m still struggling to get my butt up back to the stage, and finish the runway. Finish what I have started.

Talking to her that night made me realize one thing, that this is not gonna be the last (hell, this isn’t the first, too!) band aid I will ever need to take off quickly, in order to move on with my own life. There will be a lot more band aids to be ripped off in my next phases of this life.

No one will cover my wounds now, that I know now. I will have to learn to find my own path to scream over my chaos day. I will have to learn to trust someone to handle my feelings again, over a bright sunny day or a cloudy rainy night. I will have to learn to find my self more songs to sing. More dances to dance on. More clothes to try on. More hopes to rely on. More challenges to face on.

But first thing first, now that I (think  I) got my self up back to the stage again, please, let me finish my runway walk.

My fave photo of Alexandra. You're cool, girl! 😉

I’ll see you on the backstage, wonderful people of the world 😉


PS: RYH, if you read this, know for sure that all you need to do is get up and finish your runway walk. GBU, my dear friend.

Categories: mess, people, thoughts, work | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

I want to be a singer

I have things to do before I can really move my life on. I’m on 7 now, soon will leave. And it’s raining, out of nowhere. Suddenly the room filled with cool wind.

I heard a little sound, coming from my empty glass. Wine’s gone, ice cubes melted, made a move, made voice. I don’t even remember when I poured my self one tonight.

I want to be a singer, you know. So I will understand all of these well, and deal with it by singing. And you usually know by that little sound, you will come around and refill my glass. U know I won’t move from my spot until I finish what I’m doing, so you will bring that glass near me.

You see, mornings and afternoons are easy. Corners never really bother me to remember it, even though I still remember every single words you said. No. I can’t deny you. Sometimes I let my empty glass made ticking sounds, once in a while. I thought you will come around eventually and tell me to go to bed.

Because I’m your singer. I have always been your singer. I sing to wake you up, sing to sooth your tears, sing to celebrate your happiness, sing while I let you lay your head on my arms. All the song, all the song only we know.

Even when my face full of tears, you come around and sing for me. You said I can only have you sing for me 3 times in a lifetime. Because that’s just as many as you expected to see me cry, whatever the reason.

It’s dark now. I can feel pieces of my faith falling down to the floor. But I’m still here, not moving. Because you’re not here, with a refill wine you would bring to me, like you usually did.

I don’t want to deny you again. Under the right circumstances, what I feel for you always true. My reasons always real. And if I still have to let you go, by all means, please. I’ll sing while you walk out the door.

Ice cubes gone, melted into water. I’ve been waiting for too long. I guess tonight, I won’t have any refill.

Alright. One red wine is good enough.

Now that you’re gone, I want to be a singer, so I can still sing all those songs again. I want to be a singer, so I can complete my steps to 10, and ready to move on. Leave these all behind.


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two for my mom

One was happened when I just got back home from visiting my uncle (from my father’s family) and we talked that evening. She was just asking, how was the trip. And I started babbling, speak louder, suddenly cry between emotional words I never knew I had in me.

My father, who once believed that his duty to be ‘The Man of The House’ (given by my grandfather) now growing old in a very sensitive and lonely life. He gets happy with simple things, but also gets easily confused with things around. Sometimes I found him staring at nothing, like wondering where he is now. And if things matter anymore.

It’s not easy to offer him helps, suggestions or anything for that matter. But he always be there for me whenever I need him. He got stressed by just watching news and smiling happily simply when he opened the door for me when I visited him. All in all, his contradictions means nothing for me, as I always miss him everywhere, anywhere.

I stayed at my uncle’s house for quite a while, and see enough what I have to see. I’ve heard about stories before, drama from this big family my father ‘lead’ from my brother. In June, I saw my self, like, almost everything.

I barely care enough about warm-fuzzy moments with family events. I guess I’m trained to ignore that kind of stuff and believe things like that only exist in movies. My life surrounded with a lot of people, coming from everywhere, but with time, they became my real family. So basically, I don’t give any sh*t about ‘The Man of The House’-crap, taking care of brothers and sisters because the perfect parents told me to. No, I’d rather watch 10 seasons of ‘Friends’ all over again, trust me.

How my father’s brothers and sisters acted on him, trust me, once again, not my business. Each person has their own life, their own brains and their own way at living their own life.

It is how their actions (not always addressed to my father) affected my father, that matters to me.

I will write the details later (to open up these unnecessary secrets), but my father, my lovely father, put my mother and his children as number 3. As for number one is his big family, and number two is his mother. I mean, well, isn’t that how family supposed to be nowadays?…

So there, when he has to choose, he stayed for his big family, and I don’t know what’s the word, abandoned us (my mother, me and my brother) behind.

So I always have reasons to get mad at him, at my father. Even with the silliest way, I still have right to come to him and ask for justice. But I don’t, and we won’t.

What happened now is, oh people say there’s always (at least) one black sheep in every family. In my father’s family, there’s more than one. I can say, one is a trouble maker, and still. And another is, I don’t know, turned into someone else, someone I don’t respect anymore.

I told my mother that evening, I only got two hands. If I can, I want to take him away and introduce him to people who will appreciate him better. I’d love to share a house with him and talk about Life, without worrying one of his little brother will hurt him in any possible way. If I can, I only want to take him away from those bastards.

My father is not perfect. He’s far from it. He made mistakes. Not everything he said is true, I know this. But I wish, those bastards can understand his feelings a little. He’s not gonna live forever anyway, you know. How hard it is to respect your own brother who always be there for you when you were little? Simply just speak and act normal? If my father talks bullshit, those bastards can go, and should never come back.

I will take him, you know. Far away from all of you, who treated him bad. I’m on my way there, to take care of him with my bare hands, trust me. And I won’t allow you to even come to his funeral, no, don’t you dare.

Because, like my mom said, my father treated us (my mother, me and my brother) bad, and put all of you in the highest position. And now you dump him, like he’s worth nothing anymore, just because you made all the money in the world? Send me all of your money, you will see if I buy your apologize.

We both cried, my mom and I. For the first time, she listened to me shouting and crying, throwing tantrums, for the first time she saw me hurted, because my father hurted.


Two was happened right before I went to Bali in October. I told him that I got scammed, and I lost my saving. Money’s gone, but that isn’t the real issue. I now, learned that I also surrounded by bad people. I kept them for many reasons. Because they’re my friends, because they’re my family, because I believe that he/she is actually a good person.


I’m done.


As I looked into her eyes this morning, I told her, I’m ready to die. To give a full report of what I’ve done and what I haven’t done and what I should’ve done in this 30 years of my life.

I told her, I’m not as strong as she is. I wish I am, but I’m not.

I told her, if I’m on my deathbed and she still wants me to stay alive, it will be for taking care of my father. It will be one sure thing, to take him away, away, away from bad people.

She told me, ‘Alright. I prepared food for your father. Go visit him and take the food with you. If you gonna stay until night, take some money to buy dinner. Be sure to let me know first thing if you’re staying there tonight. I will make sure that you’re ready to die. In the meantime, don’t let your father go anywhere without any of you (me and my brother) come with him. ‘

Silent for a while, then she touched my hair and whisper, ‘You are not God, honey. Don’t push your self too hard. All you have to do is keep moving on.’


Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.


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introducing: a lifetime gift, Ophio and her kids.

Hello nice people around the world! please let me introduce you to 4 (four) cutest kittens in the world (because they are my kittens :P)

The only girl in the house, is the oldest kitten, here she is:

hey, what;s so important than to let me sleep here? x(

The way she stared at me, sometimes, reminds me of a certain look that belongs to a very smart woman, the first lady of US, Michelle Obama.

well, the eyes and eyebrows does look like her! 😀

So, the only girl in the house’s name is ‘mikel’ 🙂 She spent most of her times sleeping (more than any average kittens do) and when she wakes up, she will ‘attack’ another kittens to wrestling. Oh, imagine if the real MO do this too? Please don’t 😛

The next kitten is the only yellow (we call it ‘blonde’) hair, is here:

solitude everyday, eh my dear?...

Now, don’t tell me just yet, but I remember one person, that I believe he has the same sincere quality with my second kitten looks. He’s Time Magazine’s Person of The Year 2010, Mark Zuckerberg.

Person of The Year, I heart you MZ!

Ukel, that sounds right for me. He always gets near Ophio, his mama. Sometimes he looks like he thinks about something a lot. Ack, maybe he’s thinking, I’m hungryyyyyy 😛

Move on to the twins. Well, every kittens is twins ha ha, but these two has closest birth range, 1 minute away. The one that came out first is this humble one:

the most humble kitten! 😉

and his little brother, the youngest kitten, is the cutest of all:

he got the looks of his mama, Ophio

Both of them reminds me of Cole and Dylan, the twins!

Cole and Dylan

So those twins who has Ophio’s colors, named Ole and Dylan. The movie starrrr 😀

Those kittens has been here since Dec 2nd, they’re almost a month old. They started to crawling up the cardbox wall, and walks dizzily to one another. They paid attention to people who comes and go starring at them. And they starting to recognize stranger and familiar face. From all the unique moments I captured with my pocket digital camera, here’s some of my fave:

Ukel and Mikel 🙂

Mikel, just waking up from a long deep sleep.

Ukel just trying to get warm in mommy's arms

the light shone behind Ukel, beautiful 🙂

Ole and mama, one nap time.

'I wonder what's out there...' Cutie, Ole!

Dylan playing around with his sister, mom can do nothing about it 😛

Wow, who is up there? Helloooo... 🙂

sssshhhh, we're sleeping.

mama Ophio, and Ole's feet 😀

'see what u did waking them up? now I have to feed them again. Gimme a break!' sorry, Ophiooo 😛

Ophio, and her cozy corner (place to hide), my clothes cabinet! smart 😉

After a while, I put them in a place warmer than the parcel basket, but Ophio sometimes took her kids out and sleep on her basket, I never understand why she did that. Until when I was just got back home, I saw this beautiful sight.

introducing: a lifetime gift, Ophio and her kids.

I never want anything else but these precious moments should never be taken away from me.

Good night, Ophio and kittens! I wuv you all sew much!!! *kisses

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