Monthly Archives: May 2011

nothing left, nothing to complain

It was 2010. And I was planning for my next two years living. Continue my study to get master degree, continue on living my own simple life, working with people whose works I admire since so long, be a proud member of big-big family, continue on improving my self on the way. Maybe travelling, Asia, then Europe. Hmm…

In short, I was planning to live my life fully.

Thinking positive, I started to reach out for my friends, those who were needed help. One of them was my close friend, and in a desperate need of financial help. So I helped him. I loaned him my 10 years savings and even ask my other friend to also help him. He will return them back next month, I said to my self. So no worries. He’s my friend anyway.

One month passed and I haven’t seen my money back in my saving. He said, I need more time. Okay, I can wait for another month. No problem.

Three months later, I couldn’t find him anywhere. Not in the workplace he used to go, not in the house he once invited me to have dinner with, not even his pregnant wife. I couldn’t find him, even after make calls to everyone we both know. One day, I received one SMS. It says, “I’m sorry, Ranty. May God Bless You all the way. You are my angel for this. I’ll be forever in debt to you”. I called back, no answer.

I fell down the floor knowing there’s ‘angel’ word in the SMS. Only he who always call me ‘angel’. Only him. He’s gone. He took my savings, the loan from my other friend. He took away my 2 years plan, my 10 years cash-earned. My master degree, my living  the simple life, my everything.

He took my everything with him. This is hell.

Not one day passes without tears since then. I fall deep into blaming my own stupidity, my own naiveness, my own decisions. My head was like dead while my heart is crash down. Imagine those 10 years, ups and downs. Those crazy jobs. 10 years.

I’m screaming inside, and surrender to life. I got nothing left.

Today was my pay day. I earned almost nothing, but this is gonna be the last money I will send to my other friend who helped me to helped him, my runaway friend. He never knew a thing about my runaway friend. And it’s been so long since we talked in August 2010.

He called me just now and we have a little chat. I can’t help to cry and he asked me why. I told him that I finished the loan, that’s a big relieved. He laughs and told me that if someday I need help again, he will be happy to help.  Hearing this I know that he deserved the truth, so I told him everything. My savings, my friend, my ability to trust, my ability to see people again, my will to lead a full life through chances, all gone with the apologize my friend sent me by SMS. He was mad, and wish to know about this earlier from me. He said, I don’t deserve this. Well, nobody does.

I softly told him, I’m now only have couple bucks to live. Actually it’s like starting over again. All over again. I got nothing left.

As I wiped my tears, I told him, “but you see, now I’m learning about animation. My job is 12 hours/day, I don’t have time to cry or feeling sad. I make new friends, loses another, like usually. I’m loved by someone I respect a lot and he took good care of me while I got nothing to lean on. I have team at workplace that trusts my guts and believe my judgements for their sake. I’m now trying to complete my short movie. I got my books and precious songs, moments with close friends, sounds of my love on the phone everyday. Hell, I got my wine and the glass never empty”.

Yeah.

I got nothing left.

I got nothing to complain.

*God help me. Let me sleep tight tonight. Let me be home.

Categories: mess, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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