Posts Tagged With: dream

all the good men

After a long walk one night, as I poured my self wine, I had fun singing and dancing in the middle of the night. I remember it was a very full day, I had to meet a lot of people and talk to them, pretend if everything is okay with me. So that night I had a blast, by my self. By getting crazy, by my self.

I was gone to sleep at 4 am, and just realized that I’m not feeling tired at all. As I laid my body on my bed, I keep thinking of how mixed-off all the feelings that I have inside of me. It was surreal.

And that’s my baby, when I opened my eyes for several times, and saw faces I never saw before. They’re nice, kind and loving people. They came one by one for a while and go again, leaving me. Everytime, everyone of them touched my hair, my face and looked at me in the eye, didn’t say a word. I could feel their warmth, gentleness, their kindness, their love that I never know how come they have so much for me. But still they came for several seconds, and gone again.

I recognized some faces, when it’s about the 15th person that ‘visited’ me that night. It was my grandpa, your great-grandpa, whom I still learn about who he is. He looked so bright, but almost cry. I looked at him wonder about his tears, and he hold me tight. As tight as anybody would hold me, as tight as a goodbye. And all of my defenses broken in seconds. Knowing I’m in his arms, and should let him go again, I beg for mercy, please don’t leave me.

He kept holding me, I barely can see his face again, and I saw my other grandpa (from my mom) came near to me. I lost feels of my body, my hands are cold, my face frozen, I hardly can breathe. I closed my eyes, whispering: please, take me with you. It’s the best time now. Please let me go with you. Then my other grandpa hold my hands, wiping my tears, touched my hair and helped me to stand up. They took several steps away from me and look at m from a distance. Then both says firmly to my swollen eyes, “…Way to go, Princess…”. I run to them again and they hold me, again. With my tears keep falling down they are still there, with me.

And then I woke up, find my eyes swollen and my body cold, as I continue to cry and get tired, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling dizzy and angry to not be at the other side where both of your great grandpas be. I was weak, have a fever in second. Yup, high ones. Just when I thought I know my body, God took control and calmed me down. Asked me to save my words (because I lost my voice for 2 days too). If He can talk, He must’ve said, “Try to get a good sleep, then I’ll let you speak again…” ha ha.

I’m still recovering, trying to not get intimidated by those visitors or the routine of daily life. I dunno where I put my daily basis on now. And hoping to meet them again, to meet your great-grandpas. Because now I know, where are all the good men are gone.

Be brave, be strong, sweetheart, for no one may able to define your self, but you.

Love you.

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

the love that will kill you

She is a 27 year old woman, just graduated from her second college. Father just passed away, mom own a little local shop at home, to feed 6 people in house, all in one time. Older brother works everywhere to put more dime, other brother has mental illness, sister in law purely taking care of the house, while the little niece, just grown to 5 years old.

Economy never once crashed like now, and she has a dream to be a Film Director someday. There’s sadness inside the house, regrets and non-stop big wonders born all the time within it. Young people, must stay at home, put aside their dreams, in order to keep this family survive. Because mom started to silent her words and no longer able to sleep in her bed alone, without her late husband.

Physically attack, I believe is everyone issues in this little world, somehow, its a basic needs in a family. But mentally attack, which keep continues even when needs screaming to be fulfil from out there and you simply can’t, start to feel like ridiculous.

You’re grieving, that’s understandable. You need sometimes to put back all the broken pieces of the family member’s hearts, before continuing this journey. Okay. You shut down all of your doors and windows, to make peace with your anger inside, fine. But to shot down your own life this way, I dont know.

She has always been all the good side of my self, people loves to work with her (more than with me). Somehow I know, she will make a good Film Director. Lately she’s been rejecting a lot of job offers, work chances, put anger for those friends who acts like no friends (that we usually didn’t care at all), lately she lost her mind. She cant feel anything at all. She’s losing perspective.

I told her to get out of the house, and start to build her own life. I’ll cover what she need for a while and she can go back home anytime she want. All that she need o do is to take that single step to get out. Not to leave or abandone off course, but in a total awareness that life goes on, and so should she. If this is a mess, then she should figure out how to fix it, especially when she find it hard to deal with it.

Yesterday she told me that her mom wouldn’t let her. I told her, not any single mom would let her children step out of the house, that’s what moms do. It’s their job. But she must take that step and go with her own life, otherwise I don’t know. I don’t know.

I took me years before my mom let me get out of my house. And she never able to stop me to go out. Even when she finally did let me go out, I know she was sad, and I caused her pain to worry about me every night, but this is something I have to do. Time don’t make her go softly when I told her I’m moving away from the house (again & again), but that was a step away from the house, not from her. So she had no reason to get mad at me. I gave her no chance to fight my will. Not at that time and not even now.

My concerns to her (my friend’s condition) is that this big love she has from the grieving family members, will kill her. And that would be the most sharp knife you can use to kill. It will go deep in silent and you won’t recognize your own blood until you’re losing your own sight and died instantly, in the arms of the people you love, the people who use your love to shot you down.

Yes, this is for you, my dear friend. Please, know in advance that you will be okay. I won’t let things bad happens for you, for you have so many to offer to this world. I hope someday soon, somehow, you will be able to take that step outside. You owe yourself that chance.

In the meantime, take care. GBU.

Categories: thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

what matters most to be a film producer

“Has the time comes yet for us?”

I said no. Not yet.

My friend looked disappointed. She asked, “Why not?”

Because we are not ready, I said.

She looked at me once again, hoping there will be another words from me.

I opened my book and started to read it.

It was a very nice sunday, at least for both of us, it feels like sunday. We sit in a very cozy corner, a cup of cappucino and another slice of cheesecake for my dear friend. Some Fashion magazines on the side and another Paulo’s new book I brought that afternoon. Everything was simpler than it became later on that day. We were planning to spend sometime together and keep up with new piracy DVDs in town. We were planning to get ourselves some good food and good view, in a place we only knew. Then she asked the question. And I can’t lie no more. Not to her face.

We both are Film Freelancer. We studied in Film School, got bachelor degree 2 years ago, and now facing the real life, real world-that nobody ever gave any heads up abut how mess it is when we’re student (that’s my friend always said-me myself has been warned, so I’m more prepared than her-yeah, right). Most of the times, things hasn’t happened exactly like the way we expected them to be. So we kind of got surprised and wonder if there’s anything we can do to make everything’s right.

I mean, to be honest, the industry is a mess, regeneration process never keep it’s persistence, and teachers simply not tried their best to teach. In some level, we believe, students, teachers, professionals and industry it self, gave up. So now, there are some people who, either has the power, the money, the talent, the lucky, or has all that, rise up and take control of this premature national film industry. Don’t get me wrong, some good results comes up,  most of people now even believe that the industry, once again, rise up high.

But I keep moving on, I did my jobs, swore to never get back to film producing anymore-ever, and then got another job in film works and again, get it done. While my dear friend, let her mind took control and lost perspective, she didn’t take any film jobs, yet working on any jobs for that matter. Until one day she asked how to be happy for what she chose to live with.

Once again, I told her, that she’s not ready.

She got confused and asked for an explanation.

See. When you want to be a Producer who Produce a good film and make bucks from it, first you have to see a ladder in front of you. Then, make the first step.  You can look up or look down, but you will find your self not alone. There’s a lot of people around you, working on the same high ladder to go to the same place up high. You may start kicking your rivals, cause damages to their ladders, -anything to make this journey is all bout you only-, or you can just keep focusing on finishing your homework and exercise your body to be a stronger climber.

Either way, we call it a process.

My dear friend listened patiently. Gosh, I shouldn’t talk the wrong things to her now. She’ll gone crazy in second.

As we know, it takes time. And we never know if we will make it or not and I think, it wouldn’t matter anymore. Because when you call the process, you will begin constructing your self to be a better person everyday. A better film crew, everyday. And when that’s what happens in your life for real-constructing your self to be a better person everyday by doing the job you love-you won’t have times to comment on others. No matter how lucky they are to never have to climb the ladder you climb to be a Film Producer, to be a person you’ve been dying to be since the first movie you watched.

I know it bothers you my dear, I said. And it’s okay. It hurts to know someone has everything we’ve been trying to get since we know how to live our life fully. And it’s really okay. I know, every single smile you showed was really tears of realizing that where they’re there, you’re not even close yet. It’s okay. It’s really-really okay.

So take your time, to see, to listen, to judge, to cry, to blame, to run, to ever sorry for who you are, to ever mad at your imperfection.

Then move on. Because Life goes on. Any dreams shouldn’t die before it comes true. And for that, my friend, I’ll team you up to fight this. To be where we’re supposed to be. You can put me as your front line soldier, or hide me somewhere we only know, to create strategies to win this war. Nobody will find me, nobody will able to touch you, and even if we have to leave wounds, we will win it. Someday soon.

In the meantime, let’s do our homeworks. And eat good food once in a while. Learn more and more. Everyday. Everyday. This is who we are, this is what we love to do, and this is our life. Nobody should drive this car. Let’s rise to it, no matter what. Let’s rise to it.

We both know I might talked bullshit. But we were smiling. Laughed at our own silliness. Then we ate our good food. And those were real good food. That’s what matters most to be a Film Producer: To enjoy your good food. That’s what matters most. 

Categories: thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: