Posts Tagged With: friends

The face I’ve been missing

I think it was 2005, after class in a Ramadhan month. There’s a class gathering for breaking fasting that evening, and I was hectic with papers from classes, I was preparing my self for the final graduation test: make a team and produce a short film.

I don’t remember how, but I ended up getting in his car and went to the occasion together. It’s less than 15 miles away from college. But I remember he insisted on me coming with him. We never talk too much before, but since he’s the Glue character in the class, I recognized him well and had a nice short chat once in a while.

In the car, I remember talking nothing serious. He asked about my final test preparation, and as usual, I answered seriously. He started to make jokes and I laughed. I surprised him with the facts of college bureaucrachy that’s more complicated than we thought, and again he made jokes and makes me laugh. He put jokes on my every miserable moments, therefore I laughed again. And again.

It was just 15 minutes of so, but oh did I feel better that evening. I had been holding my emotions inside, and wait for the breaking fasting time, so I can shout on anyone I want. What a plan I had that day. I remember he said, I know it’s difficult. But if it’s not, why bother to do it anyway? I won’t, but I know you will. Just try to get relax once in a while, just for your self. I’m sure it will be all okay, I mean, this is you. But in the meantime, you can just let me know and I’ll make you laugh again until you’re peeing to your pants!

I was sitting there, alone, watching him driving, listening to him talking seriously and soon when our eyes meet for a second, we laughed out loud. What a crap you just said, I told him, laughing. Yeah, I know, he said. Bullshit, eh?…

I looked at his face, and I love the look I saw.

His face showing me a shy but confident will in his way to cheer me up that evening. He has a good bones structural in his face, original Indonesian Man’s face. So when he tried to stretch one or two muscles in his face, it will show the character well, and his smile shaped them nicely, a warm gift from a friend, for my trouble minds.

In that 15 minutes, never once he gave up on making me laugh. Maybe in 2005, I wasn’t smart enough to hide my feelings, and he could see it in a glance. Even the silences made me smile. For that moment I feel comfortable, sitting next to someone I don’t know much, yet made me smile only by showing me that he cares.

I didn’t talk much more with him later on, in the occassion, I went home with my other friend, which before I went out, he asked how I get my self home. I remember he told me, with a flat face, I wish you live beside my house, so it’s closer for me to pick you up and drop you in the house again. What about living in your house anyway?, I said. It’s closer and hey, you don’t even need to pick up or drop me, I’m there already! We laughed again. Saved you thousands of hard times, didn’t I? I winked at him, telling him thank you for that evening (for cheering me up) and he smiled at me, while asking for a cup of coffee later on, just the two of us. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me, waiting for me to answer. Yeah, sure. Anytime, I said.

He had a girlfriend at the time, the long time girlfriend. So I thought if we have the chance, that would be a very casual ones, spending time with a friend who is trying to make me peeing on my pants. For the whole year since then, we spent more times together, with other friends. The type of Glue friends. I had fun, really. Every now and then he kept asking me when we will actually go to have coffee, but I never had time, so we never really went to have a cup of coffee together.

Then life happens, we both never really meet each other anymore.

Last night, after 7 years, he was there with me in my dream. I was preparing some live show event, and suddenly he showed up with his scooter, hugged me and covered me with his jacket. He didn’t say anything much, but he is there. One time he walked away like he’s going to leave. But he actually showed up again, carrying two cups of coffee and gave me one. I put and stir some sugar inside his coffee. Now he’s reading and drinking the coffee, as I sit calmly beside him, drinking my coffee, silently.

I woke up this morning with a warm feeling, that maybe I never see it, but the face is the thing that I’ve been missing out lately. A friendly face, a warm kind of smile that goes through the way just to let you know, you’re not alone. He stayed just to show you that he understand, that he will try for another thousand times to make you laugh, to just once again, give you the chance to smile. Whatever happens in your life.

For that my friend, don’t blame me if I got a crush (short ones ^_^) on you. I even made him a poem, and when I gave it to him, we both got silent and smiled to each other. Later on, he told me that it’s a good poem. And again, asking me out for a coffee together. And my friend, by looking in your eyes I know, we both learned, we are better this way. That ever since, whenever I meet you in any occassions, I know that I might have been putting my self in a hard times lately. And a ‘Hi’ to you goes far from my end to show you, I’m thankful for that evening. Blessed to have you by my side, just that 15 minutes to ourselves, talking crap and laughing like no one care. And finally see each other, understand we will stay strong if we learn to laugh and relax once in a while. I can see you laughing reading this blog post now. Silly you, silly me. Silly us.

Wouldn’t trade that moment for anything.

When the chance appears, I will sit with you. Silly promise! ^_^

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So long, friends…

There was a girl, that used to be the glue between us and others around us. She is the most cheerful person I ever met, and no matter how weird she can be, I believed her. It seemed that when we’re together, we have no limits.

That was not long before I met you, who somehow fell under her radar, out of my sight at the time. We continued to share and spend sometimes together, classes, assignments, even a simple lunch between classes. We started to work together, and since I’m the oldest, both of you using ‘older sister’ card on me. Believed I have more experiences and really not sharing them to anyone at all.

But I shared them with both of you. And some other friends we knew back then. Because we have the same dream, and we told ourselves at the time, whoever got it first, others will be proud.

Glue, somehow gave up on me. Between tears, she told me that she didn’t enjoy this anymore. She mentioned that I came too hard on her, seems like everything that she did is wrong in my eyes. That I’m too perfectionist and stubborn, even as a friend. So then I moved on. It took me years to let go, without feeling bad about my self, but I did let her go.

She moved on with her life and so do I.

You left alone at the time, but you didn’t move anywhere. In fact you stayed with me. Listened to me crying and asking what was just happened, or if I did something wrong. You told me a lot of things at the time, and I remember 2 things you told me, that it wasn’t my fault and that she is not strong enough.

You witnessed me finding my ‘Dream Team’ for the final assignment in our college. And when I got them, I also put you in the team. You said, I wouldn’t need to say anything, and you would be there with me anyway. I never knew that in a silent person like you, there’s so much courage and passion hidden. Through many conflicts happened at the time, you stand tall and finish the job well. We dreamed even bigger then.

When it’s your turn to graduate, you must make the same kind of assignment, you sit as producer and director. You finished it well too, but I never know a single thing about it. Whenever I asked, you never say anything, or explain what I can do to help, instead you made jokes and talk about another topics.

Life goes on, we were busy with our jobs, our ups and down. But somehow we managed to meet and talk over coffee. Sharing craziest and silliest things ever happened to us both.

One day your father passed away. The only person who always stand in the way, now gone. And it breaks your heart very deep. I was ill, far away in Bali and I couldn’t afford to go there and be with you. Not by time, or financially.

Since then you’re gone. I couldn’t find you anywhere. I sent you job vacancies and you said ‘No’ to all of them. I asked to meet and have a coffee, you were never available. I tried to ask by message, you didn’t say a thing about anything. I don’t know how to ask anymore, so I let you do what you have to do. And when you need me, you can always reach out for me, as always.

Several weeks ago, on the new years eve of 2012, you told me that it’s a big deal for you. To be there when your father died, is a big deal for you. And you told me that somehow you appreciate Glue more because she appeared that day in your house. I don’t think you’re mad or disappointed in me about that, none of your words expressed those feelings that night. You were very disappointed to our other friend who were in Jakarta at the time and still didn’t make the trip to be with you.

Several days before we met, I let my ‘Dream Team’ gone. I told you the details and you were on the same page as me. You would do the same thing if you were me. What happened was actually simple, each of us changed, and things that were no big deal at the beginning, now they are. My ‘Dream team’ director told me that I’m too stubborn, too perfectionist, too stiff, that no one will able to understand me. And I won’t fit in everywhere. Once again I remember my last time speak to Glue, it feels like Dejavu, only this one hurts more.

So that night, you also witnessed one of my important moments, when I told you I have to let my ‘Dream Team’ gone, even before we started at all.  I made my self clear with the team, and no hard feeling left. People changes and clearly they don’t need me anymore. You said, you knew this before me, that somehow you experienced almost the same thing from Director. And that’s why you would never work with him again, at least not now. Once again, you saved me by just saying that you feel the same, convinced enough to know that I’m not crazy or reacting too much.

We had a good night. At least, I think so. Because I remember telling you my next plans, even though they maybe nothing at all, just a plan.

Several days ago, 3 weeks after that night, I found out that you have this project going on, allowed you to shoot abroad, with the director I mentioned in my next plan. I never knew this. Should I know first from you? I don’t know.

But I think I will appreciate that.

I was broken hearted, the fact that I heard from other people, blindsided me. In a matter of about 10 seconds, my mind is travelling fast to those times when you were silent. When you said nothing at all about your trip to Venice, and when you got no one else left, you reached out for me. When you’re in debt you asked for my help, without telling me what happened. When your proud jobs just getting down to hell level, you reached out for me even for just screaming tantrums.

Is this how it is? How I’m in your world map? Emergency calls?

And for 24/7 on calls, for you, I never missed any chance. I thought that’s what friends do. Funny, because I remember when I needed you most, you always say ‘No’, for reasons you wouldn’t let me know. But I chose to be wise and understand. Everyone has a baggage and maybe the timing always sucks.

I spent days to wonder only about one thing, despite everything else, why you never told me about this good news? What do you have in mind so you decided to not let me know?

I reached out to my friends, I reached out to God. To keep me sane. If I’m this really too very bad as a friend, then He must secure people from me. I’ve been trash bin, shrink, shelter, everything I can be, right here-right now. And if it’s not enough, hell, I don’t mind letting them go. I don’t mind living my life without any single friend.

And my dear friends, Glue, Director, and you, if I’m that bad a person, a friend -so bad you can’t even spend 3 minutes on the phone to let me know the good news- why the hell you keep coming back to me? Using ‘older-sister’ card, ‘we-have-a-dream’ card, ‘only-you-can-understand-me’ card, ‘I-need-your-help-and-only-you-can-help-me’ just to get pass on me when you need me and then pulling every right to point at my imperfections!

Now I hope you’re not gonna knock on my door anytime soon. Put a big smile, and saying you’re sorry. No, don’t bother. I’m sure you will get very busy with this project. I’m not gonna judge you in anyway, but I think I need people who is able to communicate. Apparently you can’t.

You must know though, I’m proud of you and I always know that you can do this, even bigger and bigger than this. But I think it’s best for me now, everything has to end somewhere anyway.

Anyway, I made my peace. And you’re out of my life. I appreciate everything we are, now and then. But yeah, all of you, out of my life.

Categories: mess, people | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

nothing left, nothing to complain

It was 2010. And I was planning for my next two years living. Continue my study to get master degree, continue on living my own simple life, working with people whose works I admire since so long, be a proud member of big-big family, continue on improving my self on the way. Maybe travelling, Asia, then Europe. Hmm…

In short, I was planning to live my life fully.

Thinking positive, I started to reach out for my friends, those who were needed help. One of them was my close friend, and in a desperate need of financial help. So I helped him. I loaned him my 10 years savings and even ask my other friend to also help him. He will return them back next month, I said to my self. So no worries. He’s my friend anyway.

One month passed and I haven’t seen my money back in my saving. He said, I need more time. Okay, I can wait for another month. No problem.

Three months later, I couldn’t find him anywhere. Not in the workplace he used to go, not in the house he once invited me to have dinner with, not even his pregnant wife. I couldn’t find him, even after make calls to everyone we both know. One day, I received one SMS. It says, “I’m sorry, Ranty. May God Bless You all the way. You are my angel for this. I’ll be forever in debt to you”. I called back, no answer.

I fell down the floor knowing there’s ‘angel’ word in the SMS. Only he who always call me ‘angel’. Only him. He’s gone. He took my savings, the loan from my other friend. He took away my 2 years plan, my 10 years cash-earned. My master degree, my living  the simple life, my everything.

He took my everything with him. This is hell.

Not one day passes without tears since then. I fall deep into blaming my own stupidity, my own naiveness, my own decisions. My head was like dead while my heart is crash down. Imagine those 10 years, ups and downs. Those crazy jobs. 10 years.

I’m screaming inside, and surrender to life. I got nothing left.

Today was my pay day. I earned almost nothing, but this is gonna be the last money I will send to my other friend who helped me to helped him, my runaway friend. He never knew a thing about my runaway friend. And it’s been so long since we talked in August 2010.

He called me just now and we have a little chat. I can’t help to cry and he asked me why. I told him that I finished the loan, that’s a big relieved. He laughs and told me that if someday I need help again, he will be happy to help.  Hearing this I know that he deserved the truth, so I told him everything. My savings, my friend, my ability to trust, my ability to see people again, my will to lead a full life through chances, all gone with the apologize my friend sent me by SMS. He was mad, and wish to know about this earlier from me. He said, I don’t deserve this. Well, nobody does.

I softly told him, I’m now only have couple bucks to live. Actually it’s like starting over again. All over again. I got nothing left.

As I wiped my tears, I told him, “but you see, now I’m learning about animation. My job is 12 hours/day, I don’t have time to cry or feeling sad. I make new friends, loses another, like usually. I’m loved by someone I respect a lot and he took good care of me while I got nothing to lean on. I have team at workplace that trusts my guts and believe my judgements for their sake. I’m now trying to complete my short movie. I got my books and precious songs, moments with close friends, sounds of my love on the phone everyday. Hell, I got my wine and the glass never empty”.


I got nothing left.

I got nothing to complain.

*God help me. Let me sleep tight tonight. Let me be home.

Categories: mess, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

models falls all the time, it’s what you do afterward that matters

For the most adorable eyes Raina has and challenging bones structure that fits every frame and artistic needs Krista has, Tyra and her judges made the right choice when they had to turn it down to 2 (two) finalist at the America’s Next Top Model Finale, cycle 14. Raina’s positive ways to see the world and consistency of working her way up from Krista is one and two thing I will never forget from this cycle.

More of the more, I also learned one simple thing from that (seemed to be) glamorous life, as a model. One of my favourite model in the cycle, beside Ren the tattoo girl, was Alexandra Underwood, a plus size model comes from Texas.

And here is why.

In one of the challenges, models have to do runway walk. They will appear at the top of the stairs, walk down the stairs (about 20/30 stairs down) and walk the straight runway, passes 2 (two) giant pendulums, and walk back to finish the runway. The real challenge was to pass the giant pendulums at the right time (right, it’s a ‘timing’ challenge), so they won’t get hit by those giant pendulums.

Alexandra, before any of her steps noticed by audiences downstairs, slipped down and fell while she was still have to walk 10 more stairs down. She got her self up-steady and continued the runway until the giant pendulums stage happened. It was a brave walk, with a strong face sketch (if you don’t want to say it ‘anger’) when she made it to the first pass of giant pendulums. But on her way back, her runway walk became memorable for everyone, because she was pushed by the last giant pendulum off the runway. She fell of the stage. She got her self back on the stage and finish her runway back.

"Models falls all the time, it's waht you do afterward that matters" Alexandra and her episode of 'dreckitude!' runway walk.

After the show, when Mrs. J evaluate everyone’s runway, there’s a good sentence mentioned, addressed to Alexandra. It says, ‘Models falls all the time. So, don’t worry, it’s what you do afterward that matters.’

When I made my self a fried-rice dinner this evening, I remember a friend, a dear friend that may need to hear this sentence. A friend that I know is a good person, with a quality of number 1 charmer, now lost somewhere in her journey.

We were friends in college. We made short movies together, helped seniors finished their last assignments (by making a movie too) together, helped talented directors made their very first short film, lent a hand to people who doesn’t know about film but dying to make one. We dealt with any kind of situations, finished our homeworks and screamed out loud afterward, then move on to another crazy projects.

When we both graduated, we walked on our own paths. A week ago, I met her after almost a year never met or hear anything from her. I never knew why, but she pulled her self away from me, and her other best friends, her other life that has “I want to be a director someday” in it. That night I’ve learned that things, bad things happened to her lately, all in one time. She lost her ‘partner in crime’–a (talented, she said) director that she wished to team up someday, lost her father (from long illness), resigned from a job (her first time as a Production Manager for feature film) where her boss caused her difficulties physically and morally, and many other bad things I never really know (because she never told me).

With a charming smile as usually, she told me that it’s depressing for her.  That somehow she decided to shut down her links to any kind of film productions and have her own way of happiness, spending time with her family. That’s why she never answered to any calls or SMS about works that I or AD (my roomate) sent to her. Well, there’s times she might have been said ‘Yes’ several times, but she never really did what she had spoken up.

Talking with AD (my roomate) several days ago, I told him that all I was thinking was she might need a job, so I (even though I don’t have one for my self yet, too) told her all the job infos and really put a lot of thoughts to get her out of her comfort home and work again. I mean, it’s been over a year for her, and I thought, she might need some works, you know, just like I do.

Apparently, she didn’t want to work, and still doesn’t want to go to work.

Man, this statement she told me waking me up from a long dream of having a partner in crime. That we know life doesn’t always treated us good, but we never give up. That, living in this city is never easy, but we work it out anyway. That no matter how sucks life in the day, we can always laugh or scream out loud at night. Let it out, and move on.

If there’s a fall, something stupid I never intended to happen to me–but it happened anyway, yeah, I have some this year. One big fall for sure, and I’m still struggling to get my butt up back to the stage, and finish the runway. Finish what I have started.

Talking to her that night made me realize one thing, that this is not gonna be the last (hell, this isn’t the first, too!) band aid I will ever need to take off quickly, in order to move on with my own life. There will be a lot more band aids to be ripped off in my next phases of this life.

No one will cover my wounds now, that I know now. I will have to learn to find my own path to scream over my chaos day. I will have to learn to trust someone to handle my feelings again, over a bright sunny day or a cloudy rainy night. I will have to learn to find my self more songs to sing. More dances to dance on. More clothes to try on. More hopes to rely on. More challenges to face on.

But first thing first, now that I (think  I) got my self up back to the stage again, please, let me finish my runway walk.

My fave photo of Alexandra. You're cool, girl! 😉

I’ll see you on the backstage, wonderful people of the world 😉


PS: RYH, if you read this, know for sure that all you need to do is get up and finish your runway walk. GBU, my dear friend.

Categories: mess, people, thoughts, work | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

the love that will kill you

She is a 27 year old woman, just graduated from her second college. Father just passed away, mom own a little local shop at home, to feed 6 people in house, all in one time. Older brother works everywhere to put more dime, other brother has mental illness, sister in law purely taking care of the house, while the little niece, just grown to 5 years old.

Economy never once crashed like now, and she has a dream to be a Film Director someday. There’s sadness inside the house, regrets and non-stop big wonders born all the time within it. Young people, must stay at home, put aside their dreams, in order to keep this family survive. Because mom started to silent her words and no longer able to sleep in her bed alone, without her late husband.

Physically attack, I believe is everyone issues in this little world, somehow, its a basic needs in a family. But mentally attack, which keep continues even when needs screaming to be fulfil from out there and you simply can’t, start to feel like ridiculous.

You’re grieving, that’s understandable. You need sometimes to put back all the broken pieces of the family member’s hearts, before continuing this journey. Okay. You shut down all of your doors and windows, to make peace with your anger inside, fine. But to shot down your own life this way, I dont know.

She has always been all the good side of my self, people loves to work with her (more than with me). Somehow I know, she will make a good Film Director. Lately she’s been rejecting a lot of job offers, work chances, put anger for those friends who acts like no friends (that we usually didn’t care at all), lately she lost her mind. She cant feel anything at all. She’s losing perspective.

I told her to get out of the house, and start to build her own life. I’ll cover what she need for a while and she can go back home anytime she want. All that she need o do is to take that single step to get out. Not to leave or abandone off course, but in a total awareness that life goes on, and so should she. If this is a mess, then she should figure out how to fix it, especially when she find it hard to deal with it.

Yesterday she told me that her mom wouldn’t let her. I told her, not any single mom would let her children step out of the house, that’s what moms do. It’s their job. But she must take that step and go with her own life, otherwise I don’t know. I don’t know.

I took me years before my mom let me get out of my house. And she never able to stop me to go out. Even when she finally did let me go out, I know she was sad, and I caused her pain to worry about me every night, but this is something I have to do. Time don’t make her go softly when I told her I’m moving away from the house (again & again), but that was a step away from the house, not from her. So she had no reason to get mad at me. I gave her no chance to fight my will. Not at that time and not even now.

My concerns to her (my friend’s condition) is that this big love she has from the grieving family members, will kill her. And that would be the most sharp knife you can use to kill. It will go deep in silent and you won’t recognize your own blood until you’re losing your own sight and died instantly, in the arms of the people you love, the people who use your love to shot you down.

Yes, this is for you, my dear friend. Please, know in advance that you will be okay. I won’t let things bad happens for you, for you have so many to offer to this world. I hope someday soon, somehow, you will be able to take that step outside. You owe yourself that chance.

In the meantime, take care. GBU.

Categories: thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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