Posts Tagged With: journey

this I promised you – ode to my Fa

My Child, long time ago I had a crush with someone. But never really make a move to get near him, and he was more like a ‘secret admirer from a distance, cold turkey from a close distance’. It started years ago, and along my journey, I never stop wondering about him, where he is, what is he doing, if he ever knows about me. Weeks ago, we met in a beautifully weird way. But we managed to meet and in love in seconds. And he told me, that he felt the same way about me, since years ago.

He surprised me. He showed up and surprised me. And then he took my hand and take me around, showing me how wonderful life is with my smile. He taught me to listen to my self and fight for what I want, fight for my life. He stood in front of me when I say silly things and confront me anytime I get lazy and spoil.

He listened carefully to what I have to tell, sooth my tears with kisses, hold my fears and cover them with a warm blanket, hold me tight ‘til the morning comes, wakes me up with gentle kisses and a bright smile to my eyes.

Somehow I knew, he’s actually hurting inside, trapped inside an endless anger with his past. Someone inside him screaming and long to revenge. The world seemed too small for his journey. But in a way, for some short seconds, he long to be home. When he feel insecure, he would lay his head in my arms and tell me that he’s afraid to loose me. And when I feel insecure, he would look at me in the eye and hold me tight, so tight so I couldn’t breath, overwhelmed by his love.

Lately he showed me his scars. He showed me his wounds. He showed me pain he’s been carrying all this time. He told me that time and space hasn’t been a good friend of him. That everytime he falls in love, he keeps losing it in a second, then deal with the wounds alone. Silently, he mastered his own pain.

Then we met, and love has never been that kind for both of us. We made love, having an argue, laughing and we made love again. We lost track of time, and we know, we’re in a strange, but beautiful place.

Suddenly, in a calm surrender between soft rains that night, he stood up and say goodbye. Said that he couldn’t hurt me anymore, that he doesn’t deserves me. That I’m too perfect for him. That even with all of his contradictive, I still love him, and it kills him. So he stood in front of me, kissed my forehead and said goodbye, because he needs to do this journey by him self.

I tried my best to let him know that whatever worst can happen, would be easier if we walk on it together. But he stayed still with his will. It hurts me to see his way of hurting him self. And when I ask why, he said because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has to do this because he wants to deserves me.

It was a long night, my Child. Filled with honest words and soft whispers, comes from two souls that has been hurting, two souls long to be cured. We talked, cried and embraced each other. Because somehow in a sense, each know that maybe that is the best for now, for us. Every second that passed, we feel pain, because we knew we’re not together anymore. We hold each other tight, and between tears, we know that this is something that we have to do.

So my Child, in case you will visit his dream someday, please let him know, that is isn’t goodbye. I’m not giving up yet, on him, on us. Please let him know that I’m proud of him, of the decision he made and wish him best for his journey. So that I won’t leave him, as he promised to speed up and come home to me first when the journey’s done. And I will wait, proudly. Because I know, I deserve him to be my home.

“Promise me to be careful, hurry back and never forget that I love you. I will wait for you, my Fa”

Hey, you know this is my first time to make that promise. I’ve grown up, my dear Child, now I can make that promise. And yeah, he’s worth the wait. He always has.

Night, my dear Child. I love you.

Mom

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Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

what makes people stay

What makes people stay, really? I wonder if there’s a chance to understand all the reasons you told me, you’ve showed me. I just don’t get it, babe.

And again, if the world is changing, right before my eyes, where were you?

How you explain this: history repeating. And keep repeating.

Are we walking on the same foot steps? Are we going somewhere, somehow?

I saw people laugh, holding hands while walking down the beach, smiling to each other as if their whole life would be just fine.

I saw a kid in his mother’s hands, smiling quietly, ashamed to look at me. And when he did, just for a second, do you know how wonderful it was for me to see?…

Because when you walk by your self, all you need is a smile. A pair of eyes looking at yours, sincerely. Telling you that everything is gonna be okay.

And when you realize that you can’t hold on to anybody anymore, you can’t count on anything anymore, all you need is sometimes to lay your head down. Letting the wind saying hello to your tears, and together with steps, you’ll know that you’ll get through this.

Even if you have to lose a lot. Even if you have to swallowing your pride stupidly. You know it will all be over soon. You just know.

That’s why the sunset shouldn’t mean anything, anyway. Not for me, today, without you.

Because I saw your shadow slowly gone, leaving me alone. Smiling like you always know, that I won’t need you, anyhow.

Staring deeply in my eyes and tell me that you’re proud of me, proud of every tears that has fallen down on my face. Cos that way, I grew up stronger, and stronger more.

I think you’re mistaken.

Because I’m drowning to deep now. I’m sinking too deep and too dark to see anything around.

I need you to take me out of here, soon.

Please. Anytime soon.

PS: Mr. David, it’s written a while after the 5th ASEF workshop, I guess I will always miss the moments we all have there. And for that, I’m thank you so much for the opportunity you and ASEF gave me. I always feel better when I remember those days in Japan, even at my worst situations. Thank you. Hopefully we will meet again, soon. Keep up the good work Mr. David ^_^

Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:49pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child, people | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

crazy times

…is when I miss you so much, but I know you wouldn’t be here yet, because you’re not born yet, okay. Crazy times is when I see my path and realized that there’s a very long journey to be walk on, to be able to be there holding you in time. Crazy times is when I hold my tears and pushed to let them flow because I write for you. Crazy time is when i imagining how wonderful life would be if I finally hold you in my arms. Crazy times is when my friends become victims of this obsessions of mine about you. Crazy times is every times, like the air I breathe, every second I miss you.

Crazy times is our time. Our times only (u might ask ur Dad to join, but only if he’s not busy, okay?…)

Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 6:10am

(-u did it well!!!-)

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the one with starting to write you

My child, today is your history.

I hope I will still be there for you to tell your history, or maybe in any way, you will simply know them from your father, the love of my life.

What you must know is that we love you so much, and would give anything to make you safe and comfort. Even though Life can’t always be predictable, like the kind of life I chosed to live with.

You know, living a life like mine is, …what’s the word.., different. Sometimes you find it wonderful to walk on, cause you meet a lot of surprises on your journey. Sometimes you sit and wondering, what am I doing with my life. Have I been wasting my time? Have I done things good enough? Sometimes you just walk and move on, let everything happens, let life happens.

…and you should have it. We, me and your father, has decided that we’d like to let Life Happens to you. It means, you’re going to have a Journey. Will that be a good one or not, depends on how you look at it. Cos anyway, there’s no coincidence, God has arranged everything.

..and when the day ends, whatever happens on the daylight, we’ll cover you with warm blanket and kiss you good night. We’ll talk, we’ll share, we’ll fight, we’ll hold on to each other, cos we’re family. I know you wouldn’t give up, because you’re just like your father, the one who never gives up.

In the end, I miss you, like hell. Nothing else. I miss you.
Hugs and kisses.

Monday, February 23rd 2008

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

…the journey continues.

mess suitcase

this mess suitcase is just exactly who I am, mess. but as natural as it is, Iwant to explore possibilities around me, any kind of challenge that will led me into a better person. that’s why if you look closer into this picture, you can almost find everything.

the good thing is that this suitcase is a strong one, the strongest I have between all of my suitcases, and the volume is just right for my self, not too much or less, just enough. so when I found it overload (just a little bit) like this, I know, am trying to do something more than to walk my own journey. and in my case, to be a hero for the world-right now, it’s not good.

so everytime, I tried to keep my stuff fit in this case. because I don’t want to bring too many ‘fat’ in this life. and as I move on every second, I need to believe in my own words, that no matter how mess my stuff in my suitcase, I will walk this path. no matter what.

because this mess stuff is mine and I’m proud of them.

welcome to my mess world, it’s your challenge to find the beautiful side in it. and if you can’t find it, maybe it’s simply because you read this, its beautiful.

thank you for being the beautiful side of my mess. gbu.

Categories: a letter to my unborn child, people, places, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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