Posts Tagged With: laugh

The face I’ve been missing

I think it was 2005, after class in a Ramadhan month. There’s a class gathering for breaking fasting that evening, and I was hectic with papers from classes, I was preparing my self for the final graduation test: make a team and produce a short film.

I don’t remember how, but I ended up getting in his car and went to the occasion together. It’s less than 15 miles away from college. But I remember he insisted on me coming with him. We never talk too much before, but since he’s the Glue character in the class, I recognized him well and had a nice short chat once in a while.

In the car, I remember talking nothing serious. He asked about my final test preparation, and as usual, I answered seriously. He started to make jokes and I laughed. I surprised him with the facts of college bureaucrachy that’s more complicated than we thought, and again he made jokes and makes me laugh. He put jokes on my every miserable moments, therefore I laughed again. And again.

It was just 15 minutes of so, but oh did I feel better that evening. I had been holding my emotions inside, and wait for the breaking fasting time, so I can shout on anyone I want. What a plan I had that day. I remember he said, I know it’s difficult. But if it’s not, why bother to do it anyway? I won’t, but I know you will. Just try to get relax once in a while, just for your self. I’m sure it will be all okay, I mean, this is you. But in the meantime, you can just let me know and I’ll make you laugh again until you’re peeing to your pants!

I was sitting there, alone, watching him driving, listening to him talking seriously and soon when our eyes meet for a second, we laughed out loud. What a crap you just said, I told him, laughing. Yeah, I know, he said. Bullshit, eh?…

I looked at his face, and I love the look I saw.

His face showing me a shy but confident will in his way to cheer me up that evening. He has a good bones structural in his face, original Indonesian Man’s face. So when he tried to stretch one or two muscles in his face, it will show the character well, and his smile shaped them nicely, a warm gift from a friend, for my trouble minds.

In that 15 minutes, never once he gave up on making me laugh. Maybe in 2005, I wasn’t smart enough to hide my feelings, and he could see it in a glance. Even the silences made me smile. For that moment I feel comfortable, sitting next to someone I don’t know much, yet made me smile only by showing me that he cares.

I didn’t talk much more with him later on, in the occassion, I went home with my other friend, which before I went out, he asked how I get my self home. I remember he told me, with a flat face, I wish you live beside my house, so it’s closer for me to pick you up and drop you in the house again. What about living in your house anyway?, I said. It’s closer and hey, you don’t even need to pick up or drop me, I’m there already! We laughed again. Saved you thousands of hard times, didn’t I? I winked at him, telling him thank you for that evening (for cheering me up) and he smiled at me, while asking for a cup of coffee later on, just the two of us. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me, waiting for me to answer. Yeah, sure. Anytime, I said.

He had a girlfriend at the time, the long time girlfriend. So I thought if we have the chance, that would be a very casual ones, spending time with a friend who is trying to make me peeing on my pants. For the whole year since then, we spent more times together, with other friends. The type of Glue friends. I had fun, really. Every now and then he kept asking me when we will actually go to have coffee, but I never had time, so we never really went to have a cup of coffee together.

Then life happens, we both never really meet each other anymore.

Last night, after 7 years, he was there with me in my dream. I was preparing some live show event, and suddenly he showed up with his scooter, hugged me and covered me with his jacket. He didn’t say anything much, but he is there. One time he walked away like he’s going to leave. But he actually showed up again, carrying two cups of coffee and gave me one. I put and stir some sugar inside his coffee. Now he’s reading and drinking the coffee, as I sit calmly beside him, drinking my coffee, silently.

I woke up this morning with a warm feeling, that maybe I never see it, but the face is the thing that I’ve been missing out lately. A friendly face, a warm kind of smile that goes through the way just to let you know, you’re not alone. He stayed just to show you that he understand, that he will try for another thousand times to make you laugh, to just once again, give you the chance to smile. Whatever happens in your life.

For that my friend, don’t blame me if I got a crush (short ones ^_^) on you. I even made him a poem, and when I gave it to him, we both got silent and smiled to each other. Later on, he told me that it’s a good poem. And again, asking me out for a coffee together. And my friend, by looking in your eyes I know, we both learned, we are better this way. That ever since, whenever I meet you in any occassions, I know that I might have been putting my self in a hard times lately. And a ‘Hi’ to you goes far from my end to show you, I’m thankful for that evening. Blessed to have you by my side, just that 15 minutes to ourselves, talking crap and laughing like no one care. And finally see each other, understand we will stay strong if we learn to laugh and relax once in a while. I can see you laughing reading this blog post now. Silly you, silly me. Silly us.

Wouldn’t trade that moment for anything.

When the chance appears, I will sit with you. Silly promise! ^_^

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Categories: people | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

the complete awareness

…is to know that you were born with reasons. To understand that every little action you took affects people and environment around you. To be able to accept the fact that every single decisions you’ve made was pieces of a puzzle that somehow created who you are now. That even on the most thin logical ways, you believe that everything has their own places and times, that there’s only one Great Director up there who planned all this. That every single time, all you should ever do is to try your best to reach the best version of your self. That way, you will find balance between the world of your own, the world between you and others, and the world between you and the Great Director.

It’s never easy of course, as dynamic as this world could be, people changes everytime and you live within the ‘fast-move’ world, where everything is now serve in an instant mode, you wonder and often ask why would I care about my reasons? Why should I care about others, and people? Why don’t we just live in our own world and just, you know, live.

But now as I realized, that actions I took not only affects people around me, but literally hurted my body. And I never realized it until I fell down, struggling to even take a breath. This is not my first time, but this should be the worst of all, because beside the fact that this happen at the very wrong time, I kinda set my self out-far away from people-who loved me with their own way. More of the more, the number at the blood diagnosys chart blasted out of the record I ever had. My heart beating slow, I can barely stand and see, cold and shaking hardly, my head like a bomb will explode within seconds. All I can do is tell my boss to not fired me. Not yet. And he just laughed at my silliness.

So this is it, what I really want, to sinking in. Now I know to understand my first paragraph up there, we must learn to acknowledge all the consequences to our self, and once we do, makes sure that we are strong enough to face or carry it, whatever the consequences will be.

Otherwise try to find the best version of who you are, that will put you to a good sleep everynight, a wonderful knowing that you are loved, no matter what. That should lead you to balance your sun and moon everyday, aware of what you have, aware of all you ever dream of, aware of all you fears, aware of your laugh and tears, aware of every single consequences from actions you took, at the very least to your self and to people you love most. The world can wait.

Good night, my dear
I’ll try my best to hang on this
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there
Kisses your forehead and tucked you in

Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 11:41pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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