Posts Tagged With: life

nothing left, nothing to complain

It was 2010. And I was planning for my next two years living. Continue my study to get master degree, continue on living my own simple life, working with people whose works I admire since so long, be a proud member of big-big family, continue on improving my self on the way. Maybe travelling, Asia, then Europe. Hmm…

In short, I was planning to live my life fully.

Thinking positive, I started to reach out for my friends, those who were needed help. One of them was my close friend, and in a desperate need of financial help. So I helped him. I loaned him my 10 years savings and even ask my other friend to also help him. He will return them back next month, I said to my self. So no worries. He’s my friend anyway.

One month passed and I haven’t seen my money back in my saving. He said, I need more time. Okay, I can wait for another month. No problem.

Three months later, I couldn’t find him anywhere. Not in the workplace he used to go, not in the house he once invited me to have dinner with, not even his pregnant wife. I couldn’t find him, even after make calls to everyone we both know. One day, I received one SMS. It says, “I’m sorry, Ranty. May God Bless You all the way. You are my angel for this. I’ll be forever in debt to you”. I called back, no answer.

I fell down the floor knowing there’s ‘angel’ word in the SMS. Only he who always call me ‘angel’. Only him. He’s gone. He took my savings, the loan from my other friend. He took away my 2 years plan, my 10 years cash-earned. My master degree, my living  the simple life, my everything.

He took my everything with him. This is hell.

Not one day passes without tears since then. I fall deep into blaming my own stupidity, my own naiveness, my own decisions. My head was like dead while my heart is crash down. Imagine those 10 years, ups and downs. Those crazy jobs. 10 years.

I’m screaming inside, and surrender to life. I got nothing left.

Today was my pay day. I earned almost nothing, but this is gonna be the last money I will send to my other friend who helped me to helped him, my runaway friend. He never knew a thing about my runaway friend. And it’s been so long since we talked in August 2010.

He called me just now and we have a little chat. I can’t help to cry and he asked me why. I told him that I finished the loan, that’s a big relieved. He laughs and told me that if someday I need help again, he will be happy to help.  Hearing this I know that he deserved the truth, so I told him everything. My savings, my friend, my ability to trust, my ability to see people again, my will to lead a full life through chances, all gone with the apologize my friend sent me by SMS. He was mad, and wish to know about this earlier from me. He said, I don’t deserve this. Well, nobody does.

I softly told him, I’m now only have couple bucks to live. Actually it’s like starting over again. All over again. I got nothing left.

As I wiped my tears, I told him, “but you see, now I’m learning about animation. My job is 12 hours/day, I don’t have time to cry or feeling sad. I make new friends, loses another, like usually. I’m loved by someone I respect a lot and he took good care of me while I got nothing to lean on. I have team at workplace that trusts my guts and believe my judgements for their sake. I’m now trying to complete my short movie. I got my books and precious songs, moments with close friends, sounds of my love on the phone everyday. Hell, I got my wine and the glass never empty”.

Yeah.

I got nothing left.

I got nothing to complain.

*God help me. Let me sleep tight tonight. Let me be home.

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Categories: mess, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

what matters most to be a film producer

“Has the time comes yet for us?”

I said no. Not yet.

My friend looked disappointed. She asked, “Why not?”

Because we are not ready, I said.

She looked at me once again, hoping there will be another words from me.

I opened my book and started to read it.

It was a very nice sunday, at least for both of us, it feels like sunday. We sit in a very cozy corner, a cup of cappucino and another slice of cheesecake for my dear friend. Some Fashion magazines on the side and another Paulo’s new book I brought that afternoon. Everything was simpler than it became later on that day. We were planning to spend sometime together and keep up with new piracy DVDs in town. We were planning to get ourselves some good food and good view, in a place we only knew. Then she asked the question. And I can’t lie no more. Not to her face.

We both are Film Freelancer. We studied in Film School, got bachelor degree 2 years ago, and now facing the real life, real world-that nobody ever gave any heads up abut how mess it is when we’re student (that’s my friend always said-me myself has been warned, so I’m more prepared than her-yeah, right). Most of the times, things hasn’t happened exactly like the way we expected them to be. So we kind of got surprised and wonder if there’s anything we can do to make everything’s right.

I mean, to be honest, the industry is a mess, regeneration process never keep it’s persistence, and teachers simply not tried their best to teach. In some level, we believe, students, teachers, professionals and industry it self, gave up. So now, there are some people who, either has the power, the money, the talent, the lucky, or has all that, rise up and take control of this premature national film industry. Don’t get me wrong, some good results comes up,  most of people now even believe that the industry, once again, rise up high.

But I keep moving on, I did my jobs, swore to never get back to film producing anymore-ever, and then got another job in film works and again, get it done. While my dear friend, let her mind took control and lost perspective, she didn’t take any film jobs, yet working on any jobs for that matter. Until one day she asked how to be happy for what she chose to live with.

Once again, I told her, that she’s not ready.

She got confused and asked for an explanation.

See. When you want to be a Producer who Produce a good film and make bucks from it, first you have to see a ladder in front of you. Then, make the first step.  You can look up or look down, but you will find your self not alone. There’s a lot of people around you, working on the same high ladder to go to the same place up high. You may start kicking your rivals, cause damages to their ladders, -anything to make this journey is all bout you only-, or you can just keep focusing on finishing your homework and exercise your body to be a stronger climber.

Either way, we call it a process.

My dear friend listened patiently. Gosh, I shouldn’t talk the wrong things to her now. She’ll gone crazy in second.

As we know, it takes time. And we never know if we will make it or not and I think, it wouldn’t matter anymore. Because when you call the process, you will begin constructing your self to be a better person everyday. A better film crew, everyday. And when that’s what happens in your life for real-constructing your self to be a better person everyday by doing the job you love-you won’t have times to comment on others. No matter how lucky they are to never have to climb the ladder you climb to be a Film Producer, to be a person you’ve been dying to be since the first movie you watched.

I know it bothers you my dear, I said. And it’s okay. It hurts to know someone has everything we’ve been trying to get since we know how to live our life fully. And it’s really okay. I know, every single smile you showed was really tears of realizing that where they’re there, you’re not even close yet. It’s okay. It’s really-really okay.

So take your time, to see, to listen, to judge, to cry, to blame, to run, to ever sorry for who you are, to ever mad at your imperfection.

Then move on. Because Life goes on. Any dreams shouldn’t die before it comes true. And for that, my friend, I’ll team you up to fight this. To be where we’re supposed to be. You can put me as your front line soldier, or hide me somewhere we only know, to create strategies to win this war. Nobody will find me, nobody will able to touch you, and even if we have to leave wounds, we will win it. Someday soon.

In the meantime, let’s do our homeworks. And eat good food once in a while. Learn more and more. Everyday. Everyday. This is who we are, this is what we love to do, and this is our life. Nobody should drive this car. Let’s rise to it, no matter what. Let’s rise to it.

We both know I might talked bullshit. But we were smiling. Laughed at our own silliness. Then we ate our good food. And those were real good food. That’s what matters most to be a Film Producer: To enjoy your good food. That’s what matters most. 

Categories: thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

if tomorrow starts without me

…you wont realize it. Because I’ll still be around you, as always. I’ll sit on my corner and do sthings I’ve always do. Staring at people from s distance, aware of all I have. I’ll read and keep an eye of my love, my precious one.

And when the winds blows, I’ll remember you, my friends. The one who always keep be there, never let go. So blessed to have found by you.

And when you wonder, you’ll just relieved in a second. ‘Cos you know, you have all the time in the world for that.

And when it starts to rain, I’ll stand with you, dancing in the rain. Until we get wet, until we get tired, the rain stop falling.

And then the sun will come up, and you’ll know that life will always gets harder everyday, and you’re with me to make it easier to cope.

And when the nights come, the starts starts to blinking at you, remember, I’m here with you. Sit beside me, taste a new coffee-with a chocolate cake, talking about life, wondering about love, singing about dreams.

And when I got home late, I won’t wake you up, baby. I’ll whisper to your ear, I’m here. not going anywhere. That’s when you’ll kiss my fears gently and hold me tight under our favourite blanket.

Because my love, life is just it. And it brought me to you sincerely. For all that I’ve known you inside and finding your arms wrapping my body between the memory of outside life, time will be fairer. And Life, will be just as it is.

And when tomorrow starts without me, you’ll never know. ‘Cos I’m inside, baby. I’ll stay in your heart, as always.

As always.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:34pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

crazy times

…is when I miss you so much, but I know you wouldn’t be here yet, because you’re not born yet, okay. Crazy times is when I see my path and realized that there’s a very long journey to be walk on, to be able to be there holding you in time. Crazy times is when I hold my tears and pushed to let them flow because I write for you. Crazy time is when i imagining how wonderful life would be if I finally hold you in my arms. Crazy times is when my friends become victims of this obsessions of mine about you. Crazy times is every times, like the air I breathe, every second I miss you.

Crazy times is our time. Our times only (u might ask ur Dad to join, but only if he’s not busy, okay?…)

Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 6:10am

(-u did it well!!!-)

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

25 random things

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people [in the right hand corner of the application] then click publish).

1. I love movies and producing them.
2. I don’t know why.
3. I realized that it doesn’t matter anymore. It keeps me alive.
4. I mean, spiritually, physically, morally, truly, madly, deeply, completely.
5. I wish I can have -at least- one of those romantic scenes in the movies.
6. I do know too, that my own life is like a movie too, full of dramatic curves, long for a hero to solve the story.
7. I, and my college friends called it a 3 Act Structure in Storytelling. As I love the Triangle System in Film Production.
8. I don’t believe in triangle relationship, though. It’s pathetic. Means you’re not grown up yet.
9. I love a lot of good men for what I could do for them, but none for what they can do for me, yet.
10. I wish I can make my father alive, as long as I live, as he’s the only man who can do many things for me, simply by showing him self. Undisguised.
11. I’m lucky to have good, even best teachers so far. They’re my Alchemists.
12. I’m a half deaf, and I’m thankful for that sweet filter so I can only hear what I need to hear.
13. I just realized that I have to take care of my body 14 months ago, when my mind just couldn’t stop thinking about stuff.
14. I always wanted to be a smart girl, I don’t know why.
15. I always thought that I’m a Black Sheep in my big family. No beauty at all.
16. I have a lot of good books now, so I don’t care about it anymore.
17. I love my husband, and miss my child, every second it grows and grows, like the air I breathe.
18. I think Love is nothing but: Honest, Loyalty and of course Money.
19. I believe Men thinks with their penis, while women thinks with their heart.
20. I wouldn’t change anything in my past life, except one, I wish my boobs can be smaller.
21. I actually faking my eyes to get glasses when I was 12, just to distract my parents from divorcing. I ended up wearing glasses forever. D’oh!
22. I’m able to speak or write english ‘cos I spent most of my time watching Friends, and read Paulo Coelho’s Books.
23. I owe a long apologize to Alvein D Y and Vary Trisyandi, for both are good men, and I was just not ready to love. God bless you both.
24. I wish my life in film will keep continue on, as I actually always have faith in it, whatever it is.
25. I will adopt a child, if my ‘future husband’ is too stupid or busy to find me, and God is working in another part of the world. Life must go on.

^_^

Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 2:02am

Categories: thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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