Posts Tagged With: men

all the good men

After a long walk one night, as I poured my self wine, I had fun singing and dancing in the middle of the night. I remember it was a very full day, I had to meet a lot of people and talk to them, pretend if everything is okay with me. So that night I had a blast, by my self. By getting crazy, by my self.

I was gone to sleep at 4 am, and just realized that I’m not feeling tired at all. As I laid my body on my bed, I keep thinking of how mixed-off all the feelings that I have inside of me. It was surreal.

And that’s my baby, when I opened my eyes for several times, and saw faces I never saw before. They’re nice, kind and loving people. They came one by one for a while and go again, leaving me. Everytime, everyone of them touched my hair, my face and looked at me in the eye, didn’t say a word. I could feel their warmth, gentleness, their kindness, their love that I never know how come they have so much for me. But still they came for several seconds, and gone again.

I recognized some faces, when it’s about the 15th person that ‘visited’ me that night. It was my grandpa, your great-grandpa, whom I still learn about who he is. He looked so bright, but almost cry. I looked at him wonder about his tears, and he hold me tight. As tight as anybody would hold me, as tight as a goodbye. And all of my defenses broken in seconds. Knowing I’m in his arms, and should let him go again, I beg for mercy, please don’t leave me.

He kept holding me, I barely can see his face again, and I saw my other grandpa (from my mom) came near to me. I lost feels of my body, my hands are cold, my face frozen, I hardly can breathe. I closed my eyes, whispering: please, take me with you. It’s the best time now. Please let me go with you. Then my other grandpa hold my hands, wiping my tears, touched my hair and helped me to stand up. They took several steps away from me and look at m from a distance. Then both says firmly to my swollen eyes, “…Way to go, Princess…”. I run to them again and they hold me, again. With my tears keep falling down they are still there, with me.

And then I woke up, find my eyes swollen and my body cold, as I continue to cry and get tired, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling dizzy and angry to not be at the other side where both of your great grandpas be. I was weak, have a fever in second. Yup, high ones. Just when I thought I know my body, God took control and calmed me down. Asked me to save my words (because I lost my voice for 2 days too). If He can talk, He must’ve said, “Try to get a good sleep, then I’ll let you speak again…” ha ha.

I’m still recovering, trying to not get intimidated by those visitors or the routine of daily life. I dunno where I put my daily basis on now. And hoping to meet them again, to meet your great-grandpas. Because now I know, where are all the good men are gone.

Be brave, be strong, sweetheart, for no one may able to define your self, but you.

Love you.

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

25 random things

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people [in the right hand corner of the application] then click publish).

1. I love movies and producing them.
2. I don’t know why.
3. I realized that it doesn’t matter anymore. It keeps me alive.
4. I mean, spiritually, physically, morally, truly, madly, deeply, completely.
5. I wish I can have -at least- one of those romantic scenes in the movies.
6. I do know too, that my own life is like a movie too, full of dramatic curves, long for a hero to solve the story.
7. I, and my college friends called it a 3 Act Structure in Storytelling. As I love the Triangle System in Film Production.
8. I don’t believe in triangle relationship, though. It’s pathetic. Means you’re not grown up yet.
9. I love a lot of good men for what I could do for them, but none for what they can do for me, yet.
10. I wish I can make my father alive, as long as I live, as he’s the only man who can do many things for me, simply by showing him self. Undisguised.
11. I’m lucky to have good, even best teachers so far. They’re my Alchemists.
12. I’m a half deaf, and I’m thankful for that sweet filter so I can only hear what I need to hear.
13. I just realized that I have to take care of my body 14 months ago, when my mind just couldn’t stop thinking about stuff.
14. I always wanted to be a smart girl, I don’t know why.
15. I always thought that I’m a Black Sheep in my big family. No beauty at all.
16. I have a lot of good books now, so I don’t care about it anymore.
17. I love my husband, and miss my child, every second it grows and grows, like the air I breathe.
18. I think Love is nothing but: Honest, Loyalty and of course Money.
19. I believe Men thinks with their penis, while women thinks with their heart.
20. I wouldn’t change anything in my past life, except one, I wish my boobs can be smaller.
21. I actually faking my eyes to get glasses when I was 12, just to distract my parents from divorcing. I ended up wearing glasses forever. D’oh!
22. I’m able to speak or write english ‘cos I spent most of my time watching Friends, and read Paulo Coelho’s Books.
23. I owe a long apologize to Alvein D Y and Vary Trisyandi, for both are good men, and I was just not ready to love. God bless you both.
24. I wish my life in film will keep continue on, as I actually always have faith in it, whatever it is.
25. I will adopt a child, if my ‘future husband’ is too stupid or busy to find me, and God is working in another part of the world. Life must go on.


Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 2:02am

Categories: thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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