Posts Tagged With: mother

two for my mom

One was happened when I just got back home from visiting my uncle (from my father’s family) and we talked that evening. She was just asking, how was the trip. And I started babbling, speak louder, suddenly cry between emotional words I never knew I had in me.

My father, who once believed that his duty to be ‘The Man of The House’ (given by my grandfather) now growing old in a very sensitive and lonely life. He gets happy with simple things, but also gets easily confused with things around. Sometimes I found him staring at nothing, like wondering where he is now. And if things matter anymore.

It’s not easy to offer him helps, suggestions or anything for that matter. But he always be there for me whenever I need him. He got stressed by just watching news and smiling happily simply when he opened the door for me when I visited him. All in all, his contradictions means nothing for me, as I always miss him everywhere, anywhere.

I stayed at my uncle’s house for quite a while, and see enough what I have to see. I’ve heard about stories before, drama from this big family my father ‘lead’ from my brother. In June, I saw my self, like, almost everything.

I barely care enough about warm-fuzzy moments with family events. I guess I’m trained to ignore that kind of stuff and believe things like that only exist in movies. My life surrounded with a lot of people, coming from everywhere, but with time, they became my real family. So basically, I don’t give any sh*t about ‘The Man of The House’-crap, taking care of brothers and sisters because the perfect parents told me to. No, I’d rather watch 10 seasons of ‘Friends’ all over again, trust me.

How my father’s brothers and sisters acted on him, trust me, once again, not my business. Each person has their own life, their own brains and their own way at living their own life.

It is how their actions (not always addressed to my father) affected my father, that matters to me.

I will write the details later (to open up these unnecessary secrets), but my father, my lovely father, put my mother and his children as number 3. As for number one is his big family, and number two is his mother. I mean, well, isn’t that how family supposed to be nowadays?…

So there, when he has to choose, he stayed for his big family, and I don’t know what’s the word, abandoned us (my mother, me and my brother) behind.

So I always have reasons to get mad at him, at my father. Even with the silliest way, I still have right to come to him and ask for justice. But I don’t, and we won’t.

What happened now is, oh people say there’s always (at least) one black sheep in every family. In my father’s family, there’s more than one. I can say, one is a trouble maker, and still. And another is, I don’t know, turned into someone else, someone I don’t respect anymore.

I told my mother that evening, I only got two hands. If I can, I want to take him away and introduce him to people who will appreciate him better. I’d love to share a house with him and talk about Life, without worrying one of his little brother will hurt him in any possible way. If I can, I only want to take him away from those bastards.

My father is not perfect. He’s far from it. He made mistakes. Not everything he said is true, I know this. But I wish, those bastards can understand his feelings a little. He’s not gonna live forever anyway, you know. How hard it is to respect your own brother who always be there for you when you were little? Simply just speak and act normal? If my father talks bullshit, those bastards can go, and should never come back.

I will take him, you know. Far away from all of you, who treated him bad. I’m on my way there, to take care of him with my bare hands, trust me. And I won’t allow you to even come to his funeral, no, don’t you dare.

Because, like my mom said, my father treated us (my mother, me and my brother) bad, and put all of you in the highest position. And now you dump him, like he’s worth nothing anymore, just because you made all the money in the world? Send me all of your money, you will see if I buy your apologize.

We both cried, my mom and I. For the first time, she listened to me shouting and crying, throwing tantrums, for the first time she saw me hurted, because my father hurted.


Two was happened right before I went to Bali in October. I told him that I got scammed, and I lost my saving. Money’s gone, but that isn’t the real issue. I now, learned that I also surrounded by bad people. I kept them for many reasons. Because they’re my friends, because they’re my family, because I believe that he/she is actually a good person.


I’m done.


As I looked into her eyes this morning, I told her, I’m ready to die. To give a full report of what I’ve done and what I haven’t done and what I should’ve done in this 30 years of my life.

I told her, I’m not as strong as she is. I wish I am, but I’m not.

I told her, if I’m on my deathbed and she still wants me to stay alive, it will be for taking care of my father. It will be one sure thing, to take him away, away, away from bad people.

She told me, ‘Alright. I prepared food for your father. Go visit him and take the food with you. If you gonna stay until night, take some money to buy dinner. Be sure to let me know first thing if you’re staying there tonight. I will make sure that you’re ready to die. In the meantime, don’t let your father go anywhere without any of you (me and my brother) come with him. ‘

Silent for a while, then she touched my hair and whisper, ‘You are not God, honey. Don’t push your self too hard. All you have to do is keep moving on.’


Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.


Categories: mess, people, thoughts | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

the language of a (your) mother

You see, now I understand. Why people separated, why people meet each other. And why people stay.

For a woman like me, my baby, it’s not easy to stay. Because my reason to stay is always about having something to do, everyday. And to be honest, I don’t like it. I don’t like to find my self busy to do stuff and routines. I don’t remember since when, but I long to have new experiences. I tend to look for a chance to travel all around the world. I thought that it would be nice, to find my self in a place where I can’t do anything about it, but just relax and enjoy the moment.

That’s pretty much what would happen when you’ll born, dear. I will hold you in my arms, for whoever you are and loving you unconditionally ( I swear I’ll give my best shot to be able to do this). Hopefully until the last time of my life. But you know, there will be times when I start to teach you how to walk and talk. And you can walk, you can talk, then we talk, we share about a lot of things, while the world keep goes on. And you keep walk to me, dear.

When the world goes on, we change, we keep sharing our opinions, our thoughts, in that white uncomfort bench in front of the house (you keep asking me to change the bench, but I seem don’t hear you talk, because I said, I love a white bench in front of a house…). And when we start to talk about the bench, we start to look at each other, stand in front of one another, judge each other and finally claim that one knows what’s best for another. One is the absolute right and other should follow.

That day, we’ll realize that we have so much differences, we stand in a very different places, we avoid each other’s presence and just can’t stand to be in one room together. And instead of yelling to each other about our feelings, we hide it inside and let it grow more and more. We start to not recognize each other’s faces.

Suddenly, we never meet.

That’s when we have to take a journey together. To find ourselves, once again, in our own faces. It will be hard for both of us, but I promise I will be honest. I promise to be true for you, my love. I promise I will be there, to listen to you said that you hate me. To hear your story that you always feel hurt, whenever I’m in your life. And it’s hurting you more that you can’t make me out of your life, because I’m your mother. Because I’m the only person who will always listen, answer your questions, calm your worries.

For all that matters, you will say that you hate me most because I seem don’t care about you. I let life happens to you, but not give any fuckin’-damn-care (I believe you’ll really say this words) about what you do. Everytime you fall, you look at me and I smile. You said, that’s what I do, just smile, whatever happen to you. And that’s what you hate most in me: my smile.

Then, between your anger and your tears, as your body shaking in front of me, I finally can hear you speak softly, I wish you’re not my mother. I really do (as if I don’t hear the words clearly before).

I will smile (again) then and you just can’t believe in what you see and walk away from me.

You see, that’s when my tears will fall down on my face, my memories of holding you in my arms will shown in my eyes, once again. My memories when I met your father and crazy in love with him will appears, once again. My childhood, my longing, my loss, my anger, my sadness, my effort to always break free, my ways to find my self once again, my dreams to finally hold you in my arms, my only reason to stay alive. It will be all comes up to my eyes, once again.

And when I open my eyes, I see you sit in front of me, look into my eyes deeply, and whisper, when will you told me about all of this? Your sadness, your moments of letting go off people, you even let go off me. When will you tell me this pain, inside of you, mom? What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for me to go, leaving you, and that’s how you’ll take the chance to explain how much you miss me around? And finally give up with the conditions, where we can’t do anything about it, because we’re too far to each other to meet again. When will you tell me? That you love me, mom? When?…

I smile again to you and touches your hair. I said, because I don’t want to take control of you. That’s the most why I keep losing. Everytime I hold things in my hand, I keep losing them. One by one. Time after time. And I simply just can’t loose you my dear…

Then I smile again and wash away my tears. I let you see my eyes, read them as far as you want and you let them go, back to my self. For a second there, you prove me once again, that you’re more like your father. Who never want to be the person I let go, and always look for a chance to stay, in my world. As you convince me more and more, that I can never loose you.

And like your father, you won’t give up.

It was just the beginning for you, for us. And you’ll walk to me once again, talk to me once again, share and have fights with me over and over again. Not even once you give up on me. Or give up on my stubborn head. Not once.

You said, we only have each other mom. If I have to kill you, I will kill you by my own hands. But not once I will let you hurted by anyone else. I’m not letting that happen to you. Not while I’m alive. Not now, not ever.

Hhhh…. I miss you already.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:38pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

28 to 29: unconditional love

A mother shed a tear when press interviewed her. She no longer care about next Christmas she used to celebrate with her daughter, a young celebrity who has been in prison for months caused of using drugs. Softly she said, “I just want to be with my daughter. I love her for whoever she is, whatever bad things she’s done, she’s my daughter. And I just want to be with her”

A woman prepares to commit believes in Islam, in order to marry the man she loves since 10 years ago. For that she left her rich family, and sit every night to make her own wedding dress. At 2 am, she woke me up and said, “Would you kindly teach me how to have a night pray as a moslem? I have a wish, and I hope God’s listen”

A young nice man says ‘hello’ to me, and he told me that he’s been waiting in vain, for his girlfriend to comeback with him, after gone for couple of months, and got pregnant with another guy. He has no clue about what’s going on with her, and left in the dark, waiting for something, anything, in an unlimited time. And when I asked why he hasn’t give up, he said, “I’d like to propose her, because I love her just the way she is, and I want to be the father of her children”

One can even took a midnight flight and landed somewhere half the world, just to meet his half, who was sleeping when he arrived, after a long sleepless night, cry over the break up. He said, “It took me only one hour to finally realized, that I’m too stupid to live without her, I won’t make it without her”

There is such Love that has no condition, and we called it ‘Unconditional Love’, when you love someone unconditionally, for whoever she/he is. It shines through every aspect of our lives transcending space and time. And I always rendered still, as no words can be found everytime I know things like this can happen for real.

My father, who still loves my mother—they divorced when I was 13–, his first love, ignore every chance to fall in love again, with any gorgeous woman, simply he said, “I love your mother. It’s always been her, since always”

People often got lost, when they dealing with ways to show their love to their half. But these people, who able to love unconditionally, and facing the distance and times for being there with their loves ones, always shock me to the core. And this is one of the balance God gave us, for those bastard people, who used love for their own needs and simply not care with others.

So, I guess, my child, whether you have an “A” or a “D” in your report card, whether you’re good at Math and Science or Sport and Art, whether you like my cooks or not, whether you help me clean the house or not, whether you always agree with me or finally make a stand—against me–and walk out of the house to have your own journey, whether you in or out, whether you stand still or always a good friend of changes, whether you’re one kind of strict person or unbelievably flexible, introvert or extrovert, however, I think I will still love you.

Because baby, love is like a flowing water in a river, if you fight the flow direction, it might hurt you. But if you flow with it, most of the times, it will take us to a wonderful journey. With love, you never talk about what you want from others, you simply give and care and take nothing in return.

And when it’s hard for you to understand, just believe, that everything has its places. So try to forgive, when things doesn’t work the way you want to. And be true to your self, for I love you more than any words can describe, go crash and burn, I’ll be here, loving you, my child.

kiss and hugs.

Categories: people, thoughts | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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