Posts Tagged With: people

Overlooked

Do you realize how busy people is? How hectic the world and the whole universe is? Best things are now invented to make everything is easier, more practical and even more, in my personal opinion, ignorant.

Have you ever wonder where they headed? I mean those busy people. The hectic world. The hectic universe. Where are we going?

And even after everything, they are still not happy. And they keep busy, and, are they happy?

Was is ever worthed? All those efforts?

Is there still any room for love, tears and compassion? Or are they in a hurry also? In a hectic-hectic mode on also? Do we still have time for a 3 seconds hugs with people we care about?

Have we been overlooked all those quiet and silences?

Oh, how I wonder.

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losing perspective

My dearest,

Lately I’ve seen news that no matter how I tried just can’t understand why such things happened. No matter how those people tried to explain to me, it just not makes any sense to me.

An 11 y.o. boy committed suicide, the day when he realized that both of his parents were lying about their plan to buy him a bicycle. This young boy climbed a very high tower in the city and TV crew catches a moment before he really jumped. People thought that this kid was just kidding, you know, like any other kids around the world. And without any sign whatsoever, he made the jump.

He became the headlines, any single bicycle wouldn’t make him to comeback again.

Not so long after that, I watched another news. This time, he’s older, 13 y.o. He committed suicide by hang his self, simply because he just had a haircut and the haircut went wrong. He wrote a letter, contain a very polite apologize to both of his parents for making this decision, a sincere confess he made that even though he love his parents and family so much, he simply can’t face another embarrassment anymore. He wrote that this might the best way for everyone, that he must die.

He’s the headline then, and I will never forget the little simple notes he left for his parents, just right before he hung himself.

My mother said, “Those little kids, making decisions for their life, they shouldn’t allow doing that. Big stupid decisions to just end their life like that. So ridiculous…” And she followed the news everyday; get me to the point, that her reaction was a mother’s reaction. Any mother’s reaction, that’s understandable.

I my self can’t get these stories out of my mind. Every kid in the world wants something and every kid in the world doesn’t always get what they wanted too, anyhow. This supposed to be a story of a kid disappointed and then continue to live again somehow. You know, just deal with it. Angry to parents, runaway from home and stay at friends for a week, make our little sister or brother cries just to even the pain to our parents, maybe.

But to took their own life? Even the best Psychologist in the whole world won’t relate to the pain that caused this decision made. And when I saw a few moments in a close up shot, when the 11 y.o. boy stand up to make the jump, I realized he suffered a lot of pain, that may has begin since nobody knows. How did I know? Because he was smiling. A second before he jumped, he smiled, like knowing that this will end soon, and that’s what he really wanted.

People talk a lot about these events and one opinion that came from a well-known Indonesian Children Psychologist took my attention for a while. He said that we shouldn’t look at these events by seeing what we can see know, by just seeing what seems for now. For example, our global understanding is the boy committed suicide because his parents didn’t buy him a bicycle. Or with the other boy, even for more ridiculous reason, because of his haircut went wrong.

The fact is, he continued, the bicycle boy were always mocked by his friends at school, and growing in a total abandoned from his alcoholic father and a sex-worker mother. Meanwhile, the haircut boy live in a very poor family, that no matter how hard his father (a farmer) works, or his mother works, this family won’t survive well. The haircut boy hasn’t pay his school fee for months and became the object among other students at school for his poor. Both situations have been going on for years, at least 5 years before they committed suicide, he said.

That explained a lot more than I ever can get. That what happened were not just what happened, stories happened along the way before those stories we knew–really happened. That what happened was accumulations from what happened before. That this boys, wasn’t speak for only bicycle and haircut. There’s more.

I knew it. There’s always more. There’s always more to it.
There’s always something behind (just) what we see.

I my self, is in this phase now. Where every little thing becomes so much matter than any other ‘real thing’ that might deserve more attention. Where no matter how people say, I just can’t hear. No matter how the signs walk by and passed me by, I just don’t see. I lost my ability to see, to hear, to -even- feel. My logic somehow rest my heart for a bit, knowing that I’m in a place that nobody can see me or meet me, –that way–nobody can hurt me (at least, for now).

In my case, the trigger came from someone I’ve been in love with. One day I found out that he’s been lying (again) to me. This has happened for several times, at least three times that I (want to) remember. And the object has been always the same (woman). At one to three, I thought everybody deserve a second chance. And now I simply think, his kindness and charming heart to people made him abandoned my feelings, forget about what I feel and simply no longer notice me beside him. Well, at least, that’s how I feel.

So when we’re talk about it, I hear my self saying a lot of things that happened since we met (about 7 months ago). Things I always wanted to say, to complain, things I have been hiding from him. Things that he didn’t know was always been a matter to me. Things that made him feel like I want him to be Perfection now. Things that I just realize now, should never been hide from him, for whatever reason.

Things that after I said them to him, made me realize just how much I loved him. That much so I hide all of them from him, that now–no matter what I said, he stand still in what he believe: us. Those little events before that day when I caught him lying again to me, has accumulated into a big anger that lost somehow inside my heart. For those seems resolved already–for him, but the truth they never once resolved, for me. Having my days and walks them with this unbelievable pain (that I never know I can suffer such things) made me loose Perspective. Perspective to him, to us, to world, to people, and the worst, to my self.

As I walked down the street everyday now, I wonder how can start to recollect the pieces of my self again, that has been divided for so many and spread all over places, abandoned. Am not trying to take control of my own life, or anybody’s life for that matter. No matter just how much Capricorn people tend to do that naturally, I just not interested to this control something that far.

And now that I find my self thinks about these young boys, I finally can relate my self to their pain, their questions that never answered, their problems that seems too little for this big world that never had any single chance to be heard, to be taken care of.

So at what point I can be convinced/sure once again? I don’t know. This pain is just…. I don’t even know how to cry anymore, how to feel when someone walks into me and ask my name gently, I just… don’t know.

Well, I do still hope that whatever best will happen to me, it should happen. But if someone asked what do I really want? I still don’t know. I do know one thing that I don’t want though, that with the man I love, I don’t want to be hurt anymore (especially for the same reason–over and over again). That if yesterday the argument was about the ex-gf, tomorrow (if we have to) we should argue about things that bigger than that, to prove that we moved on. Even in my job, why would I want to face the same problem everyday?

That this condition, when everything seems either too much or nothing at all, isn’t worth for whatever reasons. That losing perspective somehow just hurting you more and more. And it has to end, hopefully would feel like the warm of the arms that used to hold me–when it end. And I’ll know I’ll be just fine.

Because people bad when they are bad. No matter what circumstances, bad people will just turn into one, just a matter of time. And I just want to be who I used to be, someone that believe in my self, trust in my self and have respect with my self. Others wouldn’t really matter anymore.

I deserve what I always deserve.
It’s only a matter of time, like always.

Night, my dear child.
Kiss your forehead.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 10:52pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

what makes people stay

What makes people stay, really? I wonder if there’s a chance to understand all the reasons you told me, you’ve showed me. I just don’t get it, babe.

And again, if the world is changing, right before my eyes, where were you?

How you explain this: history repeating. And keep repeating.

Are we walking on the same foot steps? Are we going somewhere, somehow?

I saw people laugh, holding hands while walking down the beach, smiling to each other as if their whole life would be just fine.

I saw a kid in his mother’s hands, smiling quietly, ashamed to look at me. And when he did, just for a second, do you know how wonderful it was for me to see?…

Because when you walk by your self, all you need is a smile. A pair of eyes looking at yours, sincerely. Telling you that everything is gonna be okay.

And when you realize that you can’t hold on to anybody anymore, you can’t count on anything anymore, all you need is sometimes to lay your head down. Letting the wind saying hello to your tears, and together with steps, you’ll know that you’ll get through this.

Even if you have to lose a lot. Even if you have to swallowing your pride stupidly. You know it will all be over soon. You just know.

That’s why the sunset shouldn’t mean anything, anyway. Not for me, today, without you.

Because I saw your shadow slowly gone, leaving me alone. Smiling like you always know, that I won’t need you, anyhow.

Staring deeply in my eyes and tell me that you’re proud of me, proud of every tears that has fallen down on my face. Cos that way, I grew up stronger, and stronger more.

I think you’re mistaken.

Because I’m drowning to deep now. I’m sinking too deep and too dark to see anything around.

I need you to take me out of here, soon.

Please. Anytime soon.

PS: Mr. David, it’s written a while after the 5th ASEF workshop, I guess I will always miss the moments we all have there. And for that, I’m thank you so much for the opportunity you and ASEF gave me. I always feel better when I remember those days in Japan, even at my worst situations. Thank you. Hopefully we will meet again, soon. Keep up the good work Mr. David ^_^

Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:49pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child, people | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

capricorn horoscope today (tuesday, march 3)

Sigh. So numb so that I read this one:

“Ranty,
There will be sudden and unexpected insights today. You are thinking about making a dramatic change to your home, and could find yourself spending a lot of time at the local hardware store. Just be careful to take extra care with fuses and electrical circuits.”

…and another one:

The Hermit
The Hermit represents the need to distance yourself from the people and events in your life that are causing undue strain on your emotions. There are times in your life when seclusion and isolation are warranted. The Hermit is a card of discovery and enlightenment, which can only develop by spending time alone with your thoughts. Your energy will be depleted quickly in social situations.

both has a point, my child.
I was just from Ace Hardware and Index, and I’m planning to stop this ‘narcissim’ stuff in facebook.
some said, ‘it’s so me’, some just nod along with the understanding of my contradictive.

so, we’ll go to buy ice cream tomorrow?..
yeah, you should finish your homework first, naughty.
miss you.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:08pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

the one with the bike

ssh.., I know you’re sleeping.

I won’t wake you up, but just be here beside you, make sure you have a good sleep. a nice dreams. well, nice dreams may be too much for you, since you might not remember too much of them… but at least, I’ll be here if you have a bad dreams.

because tomorrow, I want to share a story about a little girl who wants to have a bike. she’s 5 and wake up at 4 every morning to help her mother selling fruits in a traditional market, and then get change so she can go to school at exact 0630. she rides her brother’s bike and kiss her mom’s hand as a respect, and promise to be good.

every noon, she gets home and put her brother’s bike in front of her house and change to go to a nice place to exercise Balinese dancing. this place is like 2 km away from her house, and she walked to this place, everyday. when I asked her about the bike, she said that his brother need it to go to school, so she has to walk.

every week, she will give performances at this nice restaurant, near tourism area in Bali. she’ll have her other 2 friends, and do Balinese traditional dance for two hours long, among of dinner tables that filled with people who will fall in love with her in a second.

she will get some money and put it into her saving, and promised that she will get herself a bike, so she can travel around the world to learn more dances. she’s not the best student or the best dancer anyway, just an ordinary little girl who have a big dream. and she never ashamed to mention her dreams to people who ask.

she was crying the last time I met her cos we’re supposed to learn dance together, but I never had a time for that. so she cried cos she couldn’t mad at me, cos I was leaving.

she’s 28 now, going on 29, just like me and have her own bike to take her wherever she wants. she laughed when I told her my stories, my life, and mentioned that I should get my self a bike. she said it took him years before she can really afford a bike, but for sure never because of the money or time or chance.

the bike is always there, standing on the wall, waiting to be used, but she never had any courage to ride it, wherever she wanted to. there’s always something stopped her to ride the bike. and for that, she got jealous of me, been thinking that I always have courage to go wherever I wanted to, with just faith and some money in my pocket, and then go.

instead of busy listening to reasons for not doing stuff, at some level, I can be just do whatever it is, follow my instinct, trust my gut and que sera-sera. I laughed and realized that she is a good mirror for me. yet she’s now a backpacker, and really happy with what she had been choose for her life. and that, my child, what makes her a wonderful human being. that she grows, and keep growing.

so never worry about your future, God has it under control 😉 Your job is to always open to every possibilities, try your best at everything, but never loose your self. and that you’re sometimes feel like you want to give up, get your self a nice milk and lay your head down for a bit. trust me, everything will be okay.

and be careful of what you wants. sometimes they’re not exactly how they supposed to look like and you don’t always get the same stuff you wanted (and that’s normal). put priorities to what you need, then pay some attention to what you want. remember consequences, remember Karma. anything, but lost in your own list, your own mind.

meanwhile I’ll be here, in case you need someone to talk or share. been here beside you.

never get your self used to learn when everything is too late. make a stand for your self, that’s how you survive, that’s how you live your life fully to the life it self.

sorry baby, I didn’t mean to wake you up
kisses from mom and dad
^_^

Thursday, December 11, 2008 at 11:58pm

Categories: a letter to my unborn child, people | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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