There was a girl, that used to be the glue between us and others around us. She is the most cheerful person I ever met, and no matter how weird she can be, I believed her. It seemed that when we’re together, we have no limits.
That was not long before I met you, who somehow fell under her radar, out of my sight at the time. We continued to share and spend sometimes together, classes, assignments, even a simple lunch between classes. We started to work together, and since I’m the oldest, both of you using ‘older sister’ card on me. Believed I have more experiences and really not sharing them to anyone at all.
But I shared them with both of you. And some other friends we knew back then. Because we have the same dream, and we told ourselves at the time, whoever got it first, others will be proud.
Glue, somehow gave up on me. Between tears, she told me that she didn’t enjoy this anymore. She mentioned that I came too hard on her, seems like everything that she did is wrong in my eyes. That I’m too perfectionist and stubborn, even as a friend. So then I moved on. It took me years to let go, without feeling bad about my self, but I did let her go.
She moved on with her life and so do I.
You left alone at the time, but you didn’t move anywhere. In fact you stayed with me. Listened to me crying and asking what was just happened, or if I did something wrong. You told me a lot of things at the time, and I remember 2 things you told me, that it wasn’t my fault and that she is not strong enough.
You witnessed me finding my ‘Dream Team’ for the final assignment in our college. And when I got them, I also put you in the team. You said, I wouldn’t need to say anything, and you would be there with me anyway. I never knew that in a silent person like you, there’s so much courage and passion hidden. Through many conflicts happened at the time, you stand tall and finish the job well. We dreamed even bigger then.
When it’s your turn to graduate, you must make the same kind of assignment, you sit as producer and director. You finished it well too, but I never know a single thing about it. Whenever I asked, you never say anything, or explain what I can do to help, instead you made jokes and talk about another topics.
Life goes on, we were busy with our jobs, our ups and down. But somehow we managed to meet and talk over coffee. Sharing craziest and silliest things ever happened to us both.
One day your father passed away. The only person who always stand in the way, now gone. And it breaks your heart very deep. I was ill, far away in Bali and I couldn’t afford to go there and be with you. Not by time, or financially.
Since then you’re gone. I couldn’t find you anywhere. I sent you job vacancies and you said ‘No’ to all of them. I asked to meet and have a coffee, you were never available. I tried to ask by message, you didn’t say a thing about anything. I don’t know how to ask anymore, so I let you do what you have to do. And when you need me, you can always reach out for me, as always.
Several weeks ago, on the new years eve of 2012, you told me that it’s a big deal for you. To be there when your father died, is a big deal for you. And you told me that somehow you appreciate Glue more because she appeared that day in your house. I don’t think you’re mad or disappointed in me about that, none of your words expressed those feelings that night. You were very disappointed to our other friend who were in Jakarta at the time and still didn’t make the trip to be with you.
Several days before we met, I let my ‘Dream Team’ gone. I told you the details and you were on the same page as me. You would do the same thing if you were me. What happened was actually simple, each of us changed, and things that were no big deal at the beginning, now they are. My ‘Dream team’ director told me that I’m too stubborn, too perfectionist, too stiff, that no one will able to understand me. And I won’t fit in everywhere. Once again I remember my last time speak to Glue, it feels like Dejavu, only this one hurts more.
So that night, you also witnessed one of my important moments, when I told you I have to let my ‘Dream Team’ gone, even before we started at all. I made my self clear with the team, and no hard feeling left. People changes and clearly they don’t need me anymore. You said, you knew this before me, that somehow you experienced almost the same thing from Director. And that’s why you would never work with him again, at least not now. Once again, you saved me by just saying that you feel the same, convinced enough to know that I’m not crazy or reacting too much.
We had a good night. At least, I think so. Because I remember telling you my next plans, even though they maybe nothing at all, just a plan.
Several days ago, 3 weeks after that night, I found out that you have this project going on, allowed you to shoot abroad, with the director I mentioned in my next plan. I never knew this. Should I know first from you? I don’t know.
But I think I will appreciate that.
I was broken hearted, the fact that I heard from other people, blindsided me. In a matter of about 10 seconds, my mind is travelling fast to those times when you were silent. When you said nothing at all about your trip to Venice, and when you got no one else left, you reached out for me. When you’re in debt you asked for my help, without telling me what happened. When your proud jobs just getting down to hell level, you reached out for me even for just screaming tantrums.
Is this how it is? How I’m in your world map? Emergency calls?
And for 24/7 on calls, for you, I never missed any chance. I thought that’s what friends do. Funny, because I remember when I needed you most, you always say ‘No’, for reasons you wouldn’t let me know. But I chose to be wise and understand. Everyone has a baggage and maybe the timing always sucks.
I spent days to wonder only about one thing, despite everything else, why you never told me about this good news? What do you have in mind so you decided to not let me know?
I reached out to my friends, I reached out to God. To keep me sane. If I’m this really too very bad as a friend, then He must secure people from me. I’ve been trash bin, shrink, shelter, everything I can be, right here-right now. And if it’s not enough, hell, I don’t mind letting them go. I don’t mind living my life without any single friend.
And my dear friends, Glue, Director, and you, if I’m that bad a person, a friend -so bad you can’t even spend 3 minutes on the phone to let me know the good news- why the hell you keep coming back to me? Using ‘older-sister’ card, ‘we-have-a-dream’ card, ‘only-you-can-understand-me’ card, ‘I-need-your-help-and-only-you-can-help-me’ just to get pass on me when you need me and then pulling every right to point at my imperfections!
Now I hope you’re not gonna knock on my door anytime soon. Put a big smile, and saying you’re sorry. No, don’t bother. I’m sure you will get very busy with this project. I’m not gonna judge you in anyway, but I think I need people who is able to communicate. Apparently you can’t.
You must know though, I’m proud of you and I always know that you can do this, even bigger and bigger than this. But I think it’s best for me now, everything has to end somewhere anyway.
Anyway, I made my peace. And you’re out of my life. I appreciate everything we are, now and then. But yeah, all of you, out of my life.
beautiful mess 