what matters most to be a film producer

“Has the time comes yet for us?”

I said no. Not yet.

My friend looked disappointed. She asked, “Why not?”

Because we are not ready, I said.

She looked at me once again, hoping there will be another words from me.

I opened my book and started to read it.

It was a very nice sunday, at least for both of us, it feels like sunday. We sit in a very cozy corner, a cup of cappucino and another slice of cheesecake for my dear friend. Some Fashion magazines on the side and another Paulo’s new book I brought that afternoon. Everything was simpler than it became later on that day. We were planning to spend sometime together and keep up with new piracy DVDs in town. We were planning to get ourselves some good food and good view, in a place we only knew. Then she asked the question. And I can’t lie no more. Not to her face.

We both are Film Freelancer. We studied in Film School, got bachelor degree 2 years ago, and now facing the real life, real world-that nobody ever gave any heads up abut how mess it is when we’re student (that’s my friend always said-me myself has been warned, so I’m more prepared than her-yeah, right). Most of the times, things hasn’t happened exactly like the way we expected them to be. So we kind of got surprised and wonder if there’s anything we can do to make everything’s right.

I mean, to be honest, the industry is a mess, regeneration process never keep it’s persistence, and teachers simply not tried their best to teach. In some level, we believe, students, teachers, professionals and industry it self, gave up. So now, there are some people who, either has the power, the money, the talent, the lucky, or has all that, rise up and take control of this premature national film industry. Don’t get me wrong, some good results comes up,  most of people now even believe that the industry, once again, rise up high.

But I keep moving on, I did my jobs, swore to never get back to film producing anymore-ever, and then got another job in film works and again, get it done. While my dear friend, let her mind took control and lost perspective, she didn’t take any film jobs, yet working on any jobs for that matter. Until one day she asked how to be happy for what she chose to live with.

Once again, I told her, that she’s not ready.

She got confused and asked for an explanation.

See. When you want to be a Producer who Produce a good film and make bucks from it, first you have to see a ladder in front of you. Then, make the first step.  You can look up or look down, but you will find your self not alone. There’s a lot of people around you, working on the same high ladder to go to the same place up high. You may start kicking your rivals, cause damages to their ladders, -anything to make this journey is all bout you only-, or you can just keep focusing on finishing your homework and exercise your body to be a stronger climber.

Either way, we call it a process.

My dear friend listened patiently. Gosh, I shouldn’t talk the wrong things to her now. She’ll gone crazy in second.

As we know, it takes time. And we never know if we will make it or not and I think, it wouldn’t matter anymore. Because when you call the process, you will begin constructing your self to be a better person everyday. A better film crew, everyday. And when that’s what happens in your life for real-constructing your self to be a better person everyday by doing the job you love-you won’t have times to comment on others. No matter how lucky they are to never have to climb the ladder you climb to be a Film Producer, to be a person you’ve been dying to be since the first movie you watched.

I know it bothers you my dear, I said. And it’s okay. It hurts to know someone has everything we’ve been trying to get since we know how to live our life fully. And it’s really okay. I know, every single smile you showed was really tears of realizing that where they’re there, you’re not even close yet. It’s okay. It’s really-really okay.

So take your time, to see, to listen, to judge, to cry, to blame, to run, to ever sorry for who you are, to ever mad at your imperfection.

Then move on. Because Life goes on. Any dreams shouldn’t die before it comes true. And for that, my friend, I’ll team you up to fight this. To be where we’re supposed to be. You can put me as your front line soldier, or hide me somewhere we only know, to create strategies to win this war. Nobody will find me, nobody will able to touch you, and even if we have to leave wounds, we will win it. Someday soon.

In the meantime, let’s do our homeworks. And eat good food once in a while. Learn more and more. Everyday. Everyday. This is who we are, this is what we love to do, and this is our life. Nobody should drive this car. Let’s rise to it, no matter what. Let’s rise to it.

We both know I might talked bullshit. But we were smiling. Laughed at our own silliness. Then we ate our good food. And those were real good food. That’s what matters most to be a Film Producer: To enjoy your good food. That’s what matters most. 

losing 999 of my 1.000 hopes

I hope it was just a dream. A black hole in my own kitchen and always, feeling lonely in the crowd. Fine. It’s a classic dream of mine lately. But when I found my self crying softly, silently, I knew he’s gone. and it hurts.

I never expected to love him this far. I never planned to care and love him deeply, wondering what he’s doing everytime, every second I realized he’s not near me. I’m not always following his sense for a while when he’s jumping to hug me and simply put his head on my lap out of nowhere. Everytime was just a regular times I’d spend with anyone. So I wonder why should I feel like I’m losing him this deep.

He never has any exact time to be any kinds of mood. He’s sort of random when it goes to what he wanted to do. Just one for sure, is that he always got curious with everybody’s steps and always take position to be ready to jump and hug people’s feet. And yeah, he can tell the difference, whose feet were there.

Not once he talks, or whisper, everything was always managed by his own skill to understand what happened inside the house, what happened with the people, so he used to  just wait and be patient, until it’s time for us to finally took care of his needs. somehow we managed okay.

With his own way, he gave reasons for my mom to start to build her marriage life with her husband, once again. And it was the biggest surprise I ever acknowledged given from him, that from that moment on, he became a member of this mess family. A member worked hard to put a smile on everyone’s face, no matter how the days been for each of us,  even by causing mess in the house.

Somehow at one point, I think he’s a human being, trapped in a body of a cute-weird-hyperactive cat. Because I know, somehow, cat shouldn’t acted like the way he acted. So, in my mind set, he’s a human being trapped in a body of a cute-weird-hyperactive cat. Period.

Tell me I’m crazy, but I love him deep. Feel like I’m losing 999 of my 1.000 hopes when he was gone. Losing my only reason to come home. His short illness hasn’t bother anyone yet, and yet he was gone, in a corner he loved so much, when he used to hide from other stupid cats outside and fell asleep there when it rains, when it was time to sleep.

And I always believed he was sleeping, finally rest assure his hyperactive moves and lay down all of his curiousity.

Yes. He was just a cat. And it hasn’t stop my tears falling down since then. because he’s just a cat. My cute-weird-hyperactive cat. So long, babe. I will miss you, very much.

bottom, an unbearable shadow of a journey.

Being on the bottom of a film production hierarchy is nothing but a challenge. And if you are anywhere near smart, you will able to play it clean and clear with strategies require. Of course, somewhere, sometimes, you still have to find a corner that only you know to release some tensions that nobody should know. It’s hard near impossible for the first time, but when you come to the 3rd or 4th time, you’ll grow out of it.

People look down to you, that’s for sure. No matter how old you are, how far your knowledges about stuff, how low profile you are, people just look down and tend to say so many things to you until you forget how to hear. Because you’re a bottom, a bottom is not supposed to have any say.

People expecting you to know everything, every single thing, no matter how you get the info and the details from any secret files, you printed it and talk up the summary, pointing the highlited ones politely, you will still have to know. About everything, everything that people needs to know. But you’re a bottom, you deal with it everyday, with everybody, you are not supposed to say “I don’t know”.

People likes, no, loves,  easy-fast-cheap. Any other way would make them see you more bottom than you already are. So talk as everything is the easiest-fastest-cheapest, that’s a must skill as a bottom.

People don’t like to hear you say negative words, such as: no, don’t know, don’t have, impossible, etc. A bottom is always hired to spread good news. Even if it’s actually a bad news, try to make it seems like a good news, and works on it later. Like when they ask you about 100 pcs of yellow post it flags, you know you have to order with one week prior, but what you must say is that yes, you have it all, spreading all over the bookstores in the island. They will 50% happy to hear that. Well, an expert bottom will have them in hand at the time.

People works with you everyday, everywhere, everytime. So when you have dinner with people you’re working with, you’re a bottom, when you go to places on a break days with people you’re working with, you’re a bottom. Conversations will go around task you haven’t finished yet, reminders to not forget what you have to do for next, actually, it’s more like working anyway, on a dinner, on a break day. Since you’re a bottom, you simply just have to enjoy it.

People will not understand your chaos. They need stuff and they have to have it, right here, right now. So a bottom must learn to be flexible with their to-do-list, because any demands should come any minute. A smart bottom will manage to get the tasks done and order in time, before people ask. And that’s the real challenge, because this would require other department’s works, such as, of course, finance and accounting department. As a trained bottom, you should use your speech skill and charm to knock on the finance and accounting department, asking them to give you the money that you (people) need.

People will have holiday, and you will update the inventory list. People will go on USD 80 spa/hour and you simply don’t have the money to buy your own nice meal. People will yell at you and you will yell to your pencil or simply eat ice cream and ruining you 2 months diet. People will repeat their bad working behaviours and attitude, and with two deep breaths, you will learn to laugh inside, and still do the silly tasks professionally.

People WILL NOT care. So don’t expect it. You know from the start that you will working as a bottom. Find a good reason why do you want to join this job as a bottom, make a good deal, and be a proud bottom. Even a bottom has a pride—nobody should know about this.

So, here I am, a bottom, trying to accept that it’s my destiny, to be a bottom. I’m practically a single fighter, or usually, forced to be a single fighter. Together with these words, I’d like to let you know that you should always remember, that being a bottom is sucks. Accept and deal with it, otherwise you should never start at all.

Damn, it’s extremely hard.

Friday, August 21, 2009 at 6:25pm

the complete awareness

…is to know that you were born with reasons. To understand that every little action you took affects people and environment around you. To be able to accept the fact that every single decisions you’ve made was pieces of a puzzle that somehow created who you are now. That even on the most thin logical ways, you believe that everything has their own places and times, that there’s only one Great Director up there who planned all this. That every single time, all you should ever do is to try your best to reach the best version of your self. That way, you will find balance between the world of your own, the world between you and others, and the world between you and the Great Director.

It’s never easy of course, as dynamic as this world could be, people changes everytime and you live within the ‘fast-move’ world, where everything is now serve in an instant mode, you wonder and often ask why would I care about my reasons? Why should I care about others, and people? Why don’t we just live in our own world and just, you know, live.

But now as I realized, that actions I took not only affects people around me, but literally hurted my body. And I never realized it until I fell down, struggling to even take a breath. This is not my first time, but this should be the worst of all, because beside the fact that this happen at the very wrong time, I kinda set my self out-far away from people-who loved me with their own way. More of the more, the number at the blood diagnosys chart blasted out of the record I ever had. My heart beating slow, I can barely stand and see, cold and shaking hardly, my head like a bomb will explode within seconds. All I can do is tell my boss to not fired me. Not yet. And he just laughed at my silliness.

So this is it, what I really want, to sinking in. Now I know to understand my first paragraph up there, we must learn to acknowledge all the consequences to our self, and once we do, makes sure that we are strong enough to face or carry it, whatever the consequences will be.

Otherwise try to find the best version of who you are, that will put you to a good sleep everynight, a wonderful knowing that you are loved, no matter what. That should lead you to balance your sun and moon everyday, aware of what you have, aware of all you ever dream of, aware of all you fears, aware of your laugh and tears, aware of every single consequences from actions you took, at the very least to your self and to people you love most. The world can wait.

Good night, my dear
I’ll try my best to hang on this
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there
Kisses your forehead and tucked you in

Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 11:41pm

I just want to be okay

…it’s been years since I cry like this. sitting in my silence I know am letting my past to be just past. walking through crowded I always thought somehow I move forward, no matter how deep I fell before. been holding this tears, been trying so hard to hold this tears, keep them inside, keep the inside. but tonight, they come out, they are all come out, cover my face with floods I can stop. I keep telling my self, tomorrow I have to work, tomorrow I have to work, tomorrow I have to work. God please, give me a strength to work tomorrow. I have my baby waiting for me and I have to be strong, I have to be strong. I have to keep moving on, please don’t let this tears falling over and over again. am down on my knees and I know this can’t keep continue, please God I want to be okay. I just want to be okay, I just want to be okay.

…please.
I’ll be okay, I should be okay.
I should be okay.

Sunday, May 24, 2009 at 10:16pm